Winning Bigly: how a Trump presidency would impact UC Berkeley

Hannah Cooper/Staff

This has been a wild year. The election season feels like something straight out of “South Park,” people have seen killer clowns literally everywhere and a gorilla became a savior to us all. The craziest part is that a reality TV star could potentially become our next president. For the anti-Trump people out there, don’t worry too much — a Trump win may not be so bad. After all, what’s the worst he could do? Seize the memes of production? We at the Clog have made predictions as to what could possibly happen under a Trump presidency.

UC Berkeley would be “great again”

We at the Clog still aren’t too sure what “making (fill-in-the-blank) great again” exactly means, but it does sound nice. A Trump presidency could possibly elevate UC Berkeley to where it once was. Bring back TeleBears, bring back Wheeler, and for those of us allergic to salad, bring back the fried food at the Golden Bear Café — which brings us to our next prediction.

GBC will be replaced by a Trump Casino 

“But casinos and gambling wouldn’t even be allowed on campus!” you might say. This wouldn’t be the first time Donald J. Trump bent the rules a little. Don’t pretend you don’t like the sound of this idea. You probably skip lecture anyway, so why not give back to the UC Board of Regents by trying your luck at the Golden Trump Casino? If the popularity of The Bear’s Lair is any indication, however, the Trump Casino might not be much of a hit unless you want to hang out with GSIs and people who graduated in 1997.

Cesar E. Chavez Student Center will be renamed the Mike Pence Student Center

This would probably be one of the first changes that would come with Trump in command. Trump likely doesn’t know who Cesar E. Chavez was, so he’ll surely hijack this renaming project just like he hijacked the Republican Party this year. Why stop at renaming the Student Center? MLK Student Union will likely become the Reagan Student Union or some other Republican messiah. This arbitrary renaming would likely annoy some folks on campus. The opposition would continue to disparage Trump, calling him a “fascist,” “demagogue” and other fancy words they learned online. Will he care though? Nah, he’d rename the school if he could, UC Trumpeley.

The regents will build a giant fence around campus

This would simply be a continuation of the fence Dirks had previously erected. With Trump in control, we could have a wall around our entire campus. We’re not sure how exactly this wall would help, who it would keep out or how we’d even pay for it, but we’re completely all right with the idea. Keep the Stanford kids out of here, they’re taking our jobs and bringing in crime.

Oski will update his wardrobe

When Trump leads the greatest nation in the galaxy, everyone will be mandated to wear a bright red “Make America Great Again” cap. Trust us, we’re sure this won’t be optional. Get ready for the football games after the fateful November Election Day, Oski will fully embrace it by handing caps out to everyone. Sure, they’re an unfortunate color, but don’t you dare question it unless you want your head chopped right off.

No matter your feelings toward either candidate, make sure to get out there and vote. Make UC Berkeley better with the candidate you most feel will get the job done.

Contact Karina Pauletti at [email protected].