5 conspiracy theories about what they’re really building in Berkeley

Ethan Epstein/File

First Ramona’s, then Wheeler and now the BART station — not to mention that Moffitt has been closed for longer than Dirks has had a unibrow. There seems to be eternal construction going on in this city, yet who knows where all these funds are coming from? We at the Clog have some conspiracy theories about what they’re really building behind those tall fences.

1. They’re smuggling in house elves

A big Potterhead, Dirks just can’t get enough of the Harry Potter world. Besides having a poster of Dudley above his silk sheet covered bed, Dirks also decided to take in house elves to do cleaning in the wee hours of the morning. Next thing you know, there will be hundreds of “free the house elves” and “elves are people too” clubs on campus, protesting just beyond his fence.

2. A dungeon full of stolen Stanford items 

Although kleptomania is a disease that’s rampant at Berkeley, Dirks is probably the biggest low-key klepto out there. The new fourth and fifth floors of Moffitt have just been under construction because they’re full of “Park Here” Stanford signs that Dirks just doesn’t know what to do with anymore. There might also be a correlation between his trap door and these floors. We’re currently investigating.

3. Golf cart storage

Isn’t it suspicious that when someone breaks a leg they whip out a golf cart from out of nowhere, but when we’re out there having a heart attack walking to Brown’s, there’s not one golf cart in sight? The new construction is probably where the golf carts are kept in order to be used by the professors’ favorite students.

4. Storage for two-ply toilet paper 

Only to be used for things like alumni or parents weekend, the two-ply toilet paper is stored in the vaults below Wheeler. The freshmen lowlifes only get single-ply because they’ve already been trapped: There’s no going back once you’ve paid the semester dues. The alumni, however, are untrappable, so the two-ply toilet paper is used to lure them into donating to the school.

5. A nap pod factory 

… Where did all of those nap pods come from? Most likely, the construction going around in Downtown Berkeley at the BART station is actually a conveyor belt of nap pods, being made and sold to other campuses for a ridiculous amount of money. It has been rumored that Dirks has been slipping through the underground tunnels to reach this factory and ride the conveyor belt for fun.

Next time you’re on campus, stop for a minute and wonder why you rarely see bulldozers or construction workers, and yet those high fences remain year round, encompassing a large area deemed a “work zone.”

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].