After fastening an imaginary bib around my neck and equipping my trusty fork and knife within both tightly clenched hands, I was ready to dive face-first into the delicious man sprawled out before me.
This tasty meal subtly slid into my DM’s by means of a “deep” Tinder convo, a refreshing change from the usual blunt courtship characteristic of my plentiful Grindr suitors. Even so, after meeting and talking for only about 10 minutes, I found myself suddenly buried within the dark caverns of his taint. Talk about a speedy first introduction right?
In preparation for my lustful consumption, I made sure to use my fingers as an effective anal cavity scout, just to be certain that the waters I would be treading weren’t murky. After receiving the all-clear sensory signal — ahem, it wasn’t brown downtown — I proceeded to spread his cheeks and gently Komodo Dragon his bussy, my tongue blissfully darting in and out of his ass. I devoured his forbidden fruit like my life absolutely depended on it — Eve ain’t got shit on me.
As I increased the intensity of my tongue’s probing pulses, he synchronized by escalating the pace of his manic masturbation. It didn’t take long for my new acquaintance to jack himself off into an eruptive euphoria and for me to put on my H&M hoodie and get the hell out of there. The sexcavation was complete. My job was done.
I truly revel in detailed dick debriefs with friends — it’s one of my most treasured practices as a devout disciple of Hoe-ism. So when I rushed off to tell my pals about my first anilingus adventure, I was stoked to receive my usual hearty round of “You-go-gurl” gay groupie applause. Instead, I was berated with choruses of disgust, gasps, “OMGz” and jokingly distasteful “Dude-poop-comes-out-of-there” exclamations.
As my good friend Marie Antoinette, once decidedly declared, “Let them eat cake!” Since this progressive proclamation, many of us queers have feasted on pleasurable anal delights and toasted to the tangy ecstasies of the legendary rim. Yet still in 2016, post-Nicki Minaj, Kim K and J-Lo booty bombardments, people continue to be skeptical about the sexual feasibility of our back end pleasure tunnels. Whenever I tell heteros about my anal fixation, they are frequently floored. Even fellow gays get squeamishly tongue tied over my favorite male cuisine.
I want to clarify: Eating ass does not equate to eating shit. I wouldn’t munch a butt if it had recently fulfilled its infamous but essential biological destiny. I have STANDARDS, okay? Personally, I draw the line at midday mustiness, at the exact point when the presence of goochy ripeness is slightly detectable but is by no means completely unpalatable.
Call me a nasty peach gobbler all you want, but eating ass is one of the most thrilling power trips a tongue can embark upon. The ability to make a man writhe from getting his booty eaten is just so fucking fantastic that I can’t help but lament the hordes of sexually repressed sheeple who tightly Fort Knox their anuses.
The key to unlocking our internal pleasure complex lies in exploiting the asshole’s extreme sensitivity. Let’s just say the region isn’t really accustomed to kind treatment. So when a tongue slithers in with the intent to please and satisfy, our nerve endings are on edge, our minds are racing and the male G-spot is quivering for deeper contact.
In short — it’s a hole new world down there y’all.
This planet has recently witnessed progressive colonization by the heterosexual matrix, which problematically genders the dynamic in the process. Ass eating reaches peak acceptance when boy dines on girl butt, not vice versa. These roles are reinforced through the practice’s uptake in contemporary pop culture. While Nicki spits bars boasting about rappers consuming her voluptuous cupcake, Drake attempts to squash shameful rumors about getting late night booty licks from ladies. It’s clear that dude derriere is still reserved as uncharted territory that, if mapped, may bring guys closer to homosexuality by pushing them out of their designated position as masculine muncher.
Meanwhile, us gays reserve the bottom rung of the butt pyramid of tolerance as we have long been demonized for our sexual nonconformity. We are the revolutionary conquerors of the male ass and have thus received most of the homophobic flack over its destigmatization. Straights have the privilege of exploring booty as a sexual taboo of sorts as it’s totally “in” right now to do what others are largely afraid to.
It’s important to remove the fear and stigma surrounding the ass, but it’s also essential not to box it in as a controversial fad. People have been partaking in rim repasts for millennia, it only seems revolutionary now that we’re actually talking about it. Eating ass is normal and fun, not a kinky taboo unfit for the faint of heart.
Go ahead, blow into the balloon knot and make that ass pop! It’s not weird, all the cool kids are doing it.
Chris Cox writes the Tuesday column on sex. Contact him at [email protected].