Getting rid of our school’s debt

Marcus Gedai/File

We at the Clog are genuinely worried about our school’s debt. As the No. 1 public university in the world, the least of our worries should be seemingly unrectifiable debt. In our humble opinion, we consider ourselves financial experts, and a few changes here and there could help us get out of this terribly sticky situation in no time. In fact, we’re here to save the day; We present to you a list of lucrative options for our school to make some big bucks:

  1. Sell the nap pods. Word on the street is that no one actually uses the nap pods scattered throughout campus buildings. In fact, we don’t think we’ve ever even seen one. Has anyone ever taken a nap in one? Please contact us if you have. We proclaim that the school should sell the nap pods back to the vendor, or perhaps to students who would like to take the pods of the school’s hands.
  2. Charge people for stepping on the school seals. The school can have volunteers standing next to seals that are most frequently stepped on. Instead of people running towards the Campanile to undo their mistake, they can simply hand over 25 cents to the volunteer waiting and go on with their day.
  3. Fine people who feed squirrels. This can easily be spotted by any campus employee — any person who even tries to feed squirrels should be fined. Not only is feeding the squirrels unhealthy for the small creatures, but it will also make them more aggressive when they see humans eating food, believing they deserve a crumb.
  4. Sell Oski’s cardigan. Oski, our beloved mascot, could use a slight update to his closet. We believe Oski should dress more modern, and by upgrading his cardigan, we can put his old one on the market. Who wouldn’t want to pay a large amount for a fitted, mustard-yellow vintage cardigan as we enter fall weather?
  5. Make people wearing other school gear pay a fee. If someone is seen on campus grounds wearing another school’s apparel, they should be fined. If they are seen wearing that-school-across-the-Bay’s gear, they should be charged double the amount.

With these five simple methods, our school will be able to pay off its debt in no time, or at least pretty quickly.

Contact Avanti Mehrotra at [email protected].