If you ever find yourself stuck in a small box with five to 10 strangers as you stare straight ahead and listen to strange classical music, you’re either in a freshman seminar or an elevator. Since UC Berkeley students tend to be both elevator users and awkward, we at the Clog have decided to make a guide to elevator etiquette as a good deed to the public.
First, if you see someone entering a building from 50 feet away, stand with your back against the opening of the elevator door and openly stare at them from the moment they walk into the building. It’s important you remain absolutely still while staring at them the whole time so that they know you want them to take your elevator. If they don’t say thank you for holding the elevator open upon entering it, kill their firstborn.
After the elevator doors close, don’t choose your floor; instead, follow them to theirs. That way, you’re walking them to their destination and making sure they get there safely. It might be wise to try to hold their hand while walking there as well. This shows that you’re a good citizen and, more importantly, a good friend. Considering the recent crime and events (we’re talking about you, clowns), you always want to make sure your friends are safe.
During the elevator ride, the most important friendship-building activity will be the conversation. Start off by saying, “So … you like get-togethers?” That way, you can gauge how social this person is and whether they like you. If they say yes to the question, invite them over. If they say no, ask again. Make sure you’re standing with both hands behind your back and also ensure you’re rocking slowly back and forth to the rhythm of conservation. If there’s no conservation, rock back and forth to the rhythm of the classical music.
Naturally, ask for their Snapchat username — no time for exchanging phone numbers when you could exchange Snapchat filters — when dropping them off at their destination. We hope that by following this elevator etiquette guide, you’ll acquire new social skills and friends. The more the merrier!
Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].