Today’s the day. Tonight’s the night. Everything you’ve been waiting for, working for and avoiding is all coming together on this fine day of Nov. 8. We at the Clog have brought you drinking games before, but none like this. Tonight isn’t just any old debate night. Tonight is the night. And so, to get you through it, we’re giving you the be all, end all drinking game that might just be the only thing more ridiculous than this election itself.
So without further ado, take a sip of your drink when:
- Tim Kaine looks like your dad did at your high school graduation.
- Ivanka Trump looks too chill, because we all know she’s probably a Democrat anyway.
- Donald Trump wins a bible belt state.
- Hillary Clinton sweeps the northeast.
- Anyone, no matter how genuine or ironic their intention, uses the word bigly.
- An argument ensues over whether or not this win will happen bigly, or be big league.
- You vow to leave Twitter forever.
- Hillary Clinton’s motherhood is brought up by a male.
- The possibility of our first Black president being followed by our first female president is mentioned wistfully.
- Someone on Fox News says “progressive agenda” disgustedly.
- “Thanks, (Barack) Obama” is said unironically.
- You feel a deep, deep sadness upon realizing for the umpteenth time that you’ll never be Michelle Obama.
- The candidates’ parties look lit.
- You’re reminded that the consequences of the election are probably much larger than you ever thought.
- Bill Clinton looked happier playing with balloons at the Democratic National Convention than he does tonight.
- You rethink your vote on a local candidate’s race or a minor statewide proposition.
- You wonder what it feels like to be Melania Trump.
- Nasty Women are brought up with love.
- Tiffany Trump appears out of nowhere.
- You vow to be a more informed voter next time.
- You realize how much you hate politics.
- A conservative says the word “email.”
- Someone jokes about grabbing someone else by a particular part of their body.
- You think about all the midwestern states that, after tonight, will cease to be relevant until the midterms.
- You’re “proud” to be an American.
Finish your drink:
- Every five times the state of Ohio is mentioned.
- Whenever someone talks about a state being “in play.”
- You unfollow at least 10 friends on Facebook.
- Republicans insist that they are, in fact, the party of Abraham Lincoln.
- You question whether or not the peaceful transition of power will continue in this country.
Rachel Feder is the blog editor. Contact Rachel Feder at [email protected].