What to do if your candidate didn’t win

Rachael Garner/File

So election results are in, and the candidate you wanted to win didn’t win. You’re sitting in sad silence in your residence hall, unsure of what to do. Cry, sob, laugh hysterically, take a long trip around the world? Eat every possible burrito at the Golden Bear Cafe while at the same time learning to juggle? To help you get over this crisis, here are a few tips we’ve seen work perfectly for politically upset people over the years, here at Berkeley and beyond.

1. Claim that the results were rigged

Because why wouldn’t they be? If your preferred candidate didn’t win, then the election must have been false, right? So go out there, make a giant sign with clear words saying “the election was rigged” and speak your mind to anyone who will listen. We promise you it will work perfectly, and people will respect you and really listen to what you have to say.

2. Declare that you’re never voting again

Honestly, this is one of the most useful things you can do. If things don’t go your way, then never try again. Don’t bother thinking about the fact that each time, the candidate you want to win only has a 50 percent chance of winning anyway. Don’t bother thinking about the fact that democracy is the foundation of this country and that we are each privileged to get the chance to vote for who we want to run our country. Don’t think about the fact that your vote really does count. Because, really, the easiest thing to do is give up. Just tell yourself that you’re never voting again and take that load off.

3. Move to Canada

So now you’ve claimed that the results were rigged and have declared that you’re never voting again. But that might not communicate how upset you are. You still feel let down by your country and just need to get away. The easiest way to fix this is to pack up all your things and move to Canada. It’s really not that far away, and you can easily find a new job there or a new place to go to school there. It’s not at all a big deal leaving your family and friends behind, and you’d rather live in another country than live in the United States. Because if you don’t win once in the United States, what’s the point of trying to work for the U.S. you want again? What you want should be handed to you on a silver platter, and the opinions of others just don’t matter.

4. Unfriend everyone who voted for the opposing candidate 

You just don’t want people surrounding you who have different political beliefs than you do. It won’t make for a happy lifestyle because you honestly just need to be around people who are only like you. Although this nation is all about supporting differing beliefs, you couldn’t care less — it’s easier and makes you happier to be around people who support absolutely everything you say. So go out there, figure out which of your friends have a different view than you do and immediately ditch them. You don’t need them in your life, especially now that their vote has led to, in your opinion, the demise of the entire country. If you’re in Canada, you just have to unfriend them on Facebook. If you stayed in the U.S. for whatever reason, you have to spend a little more effort avoiding them. 

5. Make a pact to be the worst possible citizen ever (Note: this is only in the event that you are still present in the United States)

If your country can’t be what you want it to be because of this election, then it’s essential that you show your country who’s boss. Drop those candy wrappers all over the ground, skip class and quit your volunteering. Show the U.S. that you just don’t care anymore and that you will no longer be a contributing member of society. There’s no point in contributing what you can to this world if your country won’t lean in your favor for the next four years. It’s all over now, because it’s your way or the highway.

We really hope these tips work for you, because we at the Clog fully stand behind them. Here’s to a better America for just you. 

Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].