Farewell to the 2016 Presidential Election

Franchesca Spektor/Staff

Today, we are gathered here in solemn remembrance of the 2016 Presidential Election. Although it lived a long and eventful life, dragging on for nearly two years, we will miss the constant media distractions, wild scandals, name-calling, bird encounters, Twitter wars and, most of all, the memes. These past couple years have been one crazy ride, folks. It all started in March 2015 when lyin’ Ted Cruz announced his bid for the presidency. His unsettling smile and melting skin will be lurking in the back of our minds for eternity. We’ll never forgive him for allegedly being “a serial killer who operated in northern California in the late 1960s and early 1970s.”

Not too much later, the announcements began pouring in; Rand Paul, crooked Hillary Clinton, thirsty Marco Rubio, Bernie Sanders, sleepy Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina (who?), smokin’ hot Martin O’Malley, Jeb!, Donald “grab ‘em by the pussy” Trump, Chris Christie (a short-lived but boisterous campaign), Scott Walker (lasted for two months) and John Kasich. And that’s just from the major parties.

We must look back fondly on the primary debates, when the Republican horde mounted the stage to beat each other over the heads with sticks for a short while; when Hillary, Bernie and Mike O’Malley, to a lesser extent, laughed merrily over the exacerbation of email scandals and arrogantly assumed they had nothing to fear from the right. Pixie-sized Marco Rubio joked about hands and penises but experienced a few minor glitches … at least he was hydrated this time. Clinton, Sanders and Martin O’Malley, to a lesser extent, discussed meaningful issues in an increasingly aggressive manner.

Then a couple of close primary elections forcibly reminded us how truly far we’d let this shit get. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump smugly walked away clutching their nominations in their fat fists. When Clinton snickered her way through painfully lame Trump debate performances, we gritted our teeth and smiled. When we heard Trump’s mouth vomit out the phrase “grab ‘em by the pussy,” we prayed to our Michelle Obama shrines.

For a short while, a Clinton victory seemed a given — Trump’s unintentional utterance apparently had cost him the presidency. But wait. Didn’t Hillary mess up that email thing? She sure did. So we all collectively masturbated to FBI Director James Comey’s photograph. Again, we found ourselves wondering how we had let things get to this point.

That seems to have been the theme for this election. Because here we find ourselves, on Election Night, once again bearing the weight of the staggering realization that this is actually happening. Do we laugh? Do we cry?

Either way the 2016 Presidential Election is over. And so, now we must wait to enter the inferno of 2020 (with the small caveat that the peaceful transfer of power must be allowed to continue, of course).

Sasha Ashall is the assistant blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].