Golden Bears, it’s been a crazy ride. While crazy is an understatement when it comes to describing the utter madness that has engulfed our nation for the past year and a half, the 2016 election cycle has been anything but normal. We were handed crazy slates of candidates, we were told some outright lies and we sat through some cringe-worthy debates. Now, we can wistfully look back and realize that we’ve finally made it to the other side.
We’ve spent so much time recently putting down national and local politics that we forgot how much we really do love all the heated conversation that occurs when everyone and their mother suddenly decides to care about the future of our country for a few days. Now that the 2016 election is finally over, we can get started musing on what’s really important. What will 2020 have in store?
There’s only one person in our mind who is totally, undoubtedly qualified to become the president of the United States in 2020, and, no, we’re not talking about Kanye (although we’re fairly certain that his campaign will be epic). He might not have been the hero Berkeley needed, or deserved, but he’s America’s only hope. Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between, we at the Clog would like to take this opportunity to formally nominate Chancellor Nicholas Dirks for the presidency in 2020.
One of the biggest issues Americans seem to have with the political system as a whole is the corruption and seeming lack of transparency at the highest levels of government. The United States Executive Branch could learn a thing or two from Berkeley’s soon-to-be-resigned chancellor. Just because the whole administrative overseer gig didn’t work out too well for him here doesn’t mean he couldn’t make an absolutely amazing president.
With all the talk about how corrupt the two main parties’ candidates are, we need a leader like Dirks to step in and teach them all a thing or two. Unlike Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, Dirks served his time as chancellor of UC Berkeley without any scandals, without even the slightest of uproar. Not even a squirrel around campus could be heard criticizing this great guy. Not once has speculation surrounded him regarding the alleged misuse of public funds.
Dirks is a real stand-up guy. He always speaks up for those who are fighting the hard battles, and he is very keen on not letting perpetrators of such heinous crimes as, say, sexual assault, go unreprimanded. He’s the law- and- order candidate America needs. And we’ve learned from experience that Dirks is all for open borders. He’d never even build a fence, let alone a whole wallbuild a wall, let alone a fence. That’s just crazy talk. What’s even more important than his stance on boundaries is his dedication to his job. Dirks is not the kind of man to walk away from a crisis; no, he’ll be right there in the middle of all the difficult battles — he wouldn’t even try building an emergency escape hatch in the White House.
We all know how crazy the whole wide world got when Hillary Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia on the campaign trail, and luckily for the future of this great country, nothing like this would ever happen to a President Dirks. He works out with his own personal trainer, so all can rest easy knowing that he would make one healthy leader of the free world.
And come on, who doesn’t want to watch the meme king himself, good ol’ Dirks, up on the debate stage with Kanye? If you can’t get on board for what is sure to be a scandal-free presidency, at least do it for the memes.
Rachel Feder is the blog editor. Contact Rachel Feder at [email protected].