An unqualified guide to fraternities

Whether you’re deciding to rush or just attend a Game Day party, choosing a fraternity can be a tough task. With so many campus fraternities, how is anyone reasonably expected to get enough information on each one to make an informed decision? Often times, we’re forced to make assumptions based on what we’ve heard or seen. In this case, the only things we’ve seen are the outsides of the houses, but that should be enough to make occasionally accurate observations about life in each fraternity. We used our expert observational skills to report on a few of the fraternities. Here’s what we figured out about each one:

ΦΔΘ (Phi Delta Theta)

Pros:

  • This tall, skinny house is almost certainly home to at least one giraffe. Otherwise, why would there be so many floors?
  • The spacious, yet empty patio is good for shy sunbathers. Plus, it’s in the front, so you could spend some time people-watching.
  • The glass front doors will make it easy to break in when you’re locked out.

Cons:

  • This house is really pointy. If you don’t do well around sharp objects, this isn’t the house for you.
  • Everything on the inside might also be awkwardly long and thin.
  • The curb in front of the house is painted red, so they respect fire codes more than they hate Stanford.

AΣΦ (Alpha Simba Nye)

Pros:

  • The brown wood shingles act as an effective camouflage against potential intruders. It blends in with the dirt patch.
  • There’s a big empty brown dirt patch, which is good for all sorts of dirt patch activities.
  • The house is good for fans of the color brown, because it is also brown.

Cons:

  • The brown wood shingles act as an effective camouflage against potential friends. They might just think you’re a dirt patch.
  • The brown tree growing through the patio indicates that they have intrusive plants.
  • The outdoor furniture looks like it’s probably only meant to be indoors. Color uncertain.

ΚA (Snapple Alto)

Pros:

  • It’s the closest of all the frat houses to looking like the White House, which makes it the easiest frat in which to pretend to be President Barack Obama.
  • Every guy we saw looked like a young Vice President Joe Biden, making it even easier to be Obama.
  • There appears to be roof access for when you really want to stargaze. There also appears to not be a railing, for when you want to live dangerously.

Cons:

  • The poorly trimmed shrubs mean this is a bad fraternity for avid horticulturalists.
  • They have a paved patio instead of a dirt patch.
  • Being Obama is harder than you’d think.

ΘΔΧ (Thelma and Louise)

Pros:

  • The red bricks and ivy make it seem like you go to an Ivy League school while still going to UC Berkeley.
  • Unlike Snapple Alto, this house is perfect for horticulture enthusiasts.
  • It’s the most likely house to be featured in a live action Scooby-Doo film.

Cons:

  • It’s the most likely house to be haunted.
  • Based on the appearance of the house, you might have to dress like you live in 17th century Salem.
  • They will probably try to drown you if you’re a witch.

Making quick observations about the outsides of fraternity houses can help you quickly, and extremely accurately, narrow down your options. If people ask you how much you know about those fraternities, you should still say not much. But now you’re much better equipped to tell them how much you might know about those fraternities.

Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].