5 gifts you’ll get this holiday season

While the holiday season is all about bringing together the family, it would not be complete without gifts. Here are some of the gifts you’ll probably get.

A new iPhone, from your brother

He’s older than you, taller than you and all the talk at dinner conversations. He graduated with an offer from a big investment bank and now makes more than you and your friends combined.

You sort of resent him for having all of his shit figured while you’re getting Ds on your exams and crying yourself to sleep every night. You still love him, though. I mean, he did get you an iPhone.

Unconditional love, from your dog  

You haven’t seen her in three months, but she still loves you just as much as the day you left for college. She’s the only one in the family that won’t ask if you’re studying hard enough or what internships you’ve been doing or compare you to your neighbor’s daughter, Cindy, who has just landed a job at Google.

She’s been there for you, curled up in your bed during those tough middle school days when Troy Whiteman would beat the crap out of you and you had to shamefully ask your crush if you could borrow her makeup to cover the bruises.

Too bad she’s getting old now, close to 80 in dog years. All the more reason to love her during the holidays.

A warm sweater, from Mom

You already have 10 sweaters, but she still gets you another one. A really ugly one. She makes you try it on and tells you how handsome you are, and that particular phrase reminds you of your childhood and you ask yourself, “Where did time fly?”

Presents like these take you back to those times when life was simple and beautiful with just the company of your friends and family, and when you didn’t have to worry about accidentally ruining your life because you drank too much the night before an interview.

A crisp $100 bill, from Dad

He’s stern, emotionally distant and never talks about himself. The only things you know about him are from stories your Mom told you. She would smile to herself while talking about what a brilliant, handsome, funny, passionate person he used to be.

But all you can see in him are regrets. Where do his thoughts go when he’s off smoking for hours in the backyard, staring off at nothing? Will the same thing happen to you? You look at the bill in your hands. He probably wants you to put it into a savings account or invest it somewhere. You’ll probably spend it on weed, though.

Nothing, from your cat

Your cat does not get you anything. He doesn’t care.

Those are some of the gifts you may get this holiday season! But what will you get for your loved ones?

Contact Jihoon Park at [email protected].