The traditional Big Game, Stanford vs. Cal, is coming up Saturday. We know all of you are going to go out to the game, because you all really care about school spirit and tradition and think football is the best sport ever. Whether we win or lose — we’re probably going to lose — it’s important to be as ready as you can be. Here are five tips we have on being prepared for the Big Game:
1. Be armed with flattering pictures of the Campanile and mascot-related digs
We all know our Campanile is better than Stanfurd’s Hoover Tower. The Campanile is even taller than Hoover Tower and is just overall more photogenic. So make a nice album on your phone of all the best pictures you’ve taken of the Campanile — we mean Instagram-worthy — and be ready to whip that album out any time those Stanfurd students are around. Prove to them that since our tower is superior, we are superior. For bonus superiority, photoshop Oski into some of the pictures. We have a great, ferocious, photogenic Bear mascot to go with our tall, beautiful tower. What do they have? A tree that’s basically the same height as Hoover Tower — tiny.
2. Throw away all your red clothing
If you really want to show school pride, go through all your clothes and throw away anything red. This really isn’t a big deal. We know you didn’t spend $200 on that fancy dress or pants or that expensive scarf. Just throw away — or better yet, burn — all of your red clothing. Show your school pride in more ways than just wearing blue and gold. We don’t think this is asking for too much, so please support UC Berkeley and throw away everything red. Who cares if it’s secretly your favorite color? Your personality has been absorbed by your school now.
3. Do extremely necessary background research
We don’t want to make the Big Game too much like school, but we want you to be ready to pull out any facts you need. We want you to be able to tell us who won in 1986, the total number of games won by Cal and the origin of the Big Game. We also want you to know how many total Nobel Prizes UC Berkeley has won and all of the accomplishments UC Berkeley has had in every academic field over the past 200 years. Again, this isn’t asking too much right? We at the Clog want all of our students to be prepared with facts that we can throw at those Stanfurd students. We’re all nerds here, so why not put it to good use? After all, that’s why we go to the No. 1 public university in the world.
4. Be resume-ready
Since you’re going to need to stand up against Stanfurd students, you need to be resume-ready. You never know what those Stanfurd students are going to brag about, so you need to have a list of your own accomplishments ready in your mind. Be ready to list every internship and grade you’ve gotten in the past five years, because honestly, that’s all Stanfurd students care about. Don’t forget to add in the fact that, unlike certain junior colleges, we don’t have grade inflation here. Basically, we’ve earned every last point that appears on our transcripts with sweat, blood and a whole lot of tears. Trust us, Stanfurd cannot claim the same.
5. Have a place ready to cry
Have a lovely designated spot to cry. Have tissues ready and as many comfort foods as you can find and afford. We all know that UC Berkeley has been on a losing streak for a while, so we need to be ready for the defeat when it comes. It’s important in life to just never be hopeful, so don’t go into the game thinking that we’re going to win. Instead, have a “crying spot” ready! It’ll really make the Big Game so much fun, because you’ll be prepared and ready for the most negative outcome. And don’t fret too much — regardless of the score, we’re still the winners. After all, Stanfurd students have to go back to boring old Palo Alto at the end of the game, and we get to cry on the beautiful Berkeley campus. Did we mention we’re at the No. 1 public university in the world?
We promise you’ll have a great time at the Big Game with the help of these incredibly useful tips. Go Bears!
Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].