Battle of the meal points

Mikaela Raphael/File
Mikaela Raphael/File

The semester is nearing its final weeks. Tensions are high with finals closing in. And of course meal points are also dwindling down. Cue the Ancient Roman battle music: The fight for food has begun.

Every semester, the last few weeks of school go hand in hand with the treacherous struggle to savor or spend the remainder of one’s meal points. This class divide between those at the top with high numbers of meal points going into dead week, and those at the bottom with below 100 numbers, appears to become more and more polarized each year. This gap leads to variety of class negotiations that allow both groups to emerge well fed and without left-over points to increase Chancellor Nicholas Dirks’ alleged missing “public funds.”

To better illustrate the dynamic of this meal point social hierarchy, the Clog has pinpointed how to spot those at the top versus those at the bottom.

The Upper Class

The student buying an extraneous coffee press and mugs at the Den.

This is one of the most common signs that you’ve encountered a meal point elite. When you see an individual purchasing more than three mugs, a coffee press and 12 varieties of coffee and tea during dead week, you know they are living a life of Berkeley luxury.

The kind soul swiping their entire floor into Crossroads.

These individuals are the philanthropists of their social class and really display the spirit of holiday giving. Perhaps water-based eggs, poorly stocked salad bars and uncomfortable fish foods were not their forte this semester, but that doesn’t stop them from aiding others in their quest for subsidized foods.

The giver that takes their floor out to Thanksgiving at Brown’s California Cafe.

Ah, Brown’s California Cafe, the Fleming’s Steakhouse of campus dining in both quality and price. It’s quite clear that when one of your floormates swipes more than two people into Brown’s they are the Oprah of meal planners — their quantity and generosity is unparalleled.

The Impoverished

The deprived student purchasing black coffee rather than lattes at GBC.

Alas, one of the greatest tragedies of them all: when the caffeine begins to take a hit. Though this might seem like a rather #whitegirlcatastrophe, you know when a poor soul sporting severe bags under their eyes trades in their usual cappuccino for dark roast they truly are barely making ends meet.

The desperate child who offers to do your laundry for the the remainder of the semester for swipes.

This is one of the biggest sacrifices for the meal pointless community. Bearing the laundry room to do even your own load is quite a daunting quest in the midst of the desire for all of Clark Kerr to do laundry at the same time during dead week. Thus, when a starved soul offers to take this burden of your hands you know they’re nearing their stomach’s end.

The horrified student that asks a former flame for a swipe.

This is the lowest of all lows. When it comes to asking the guy or girl you accidentally hooked up with during Welcome Week for a swipe because you already asked every single other person in Berkeley, you know it’s time to turn to a higher power.

It seems as though this polarizing divide mirrors the same political division in our nation. But societal implications aside, we at the Clog understand this troubling fiscal battle on our campus and are sending you meal pointless folks all the best this holiday season!

Contact Nichole Bloom at [email protected].