It’s that time of the semester again: You are seriously doubting yourself as a capable UC Berkeley student because you spent the whole semester getting hammered and watching Netflix. With finals just around the corner, everyone on campus seems stressed out, but just how bad of a student are you? Here’s a checklist so that you can find out.
Instead of studying, have you ever …
- Gone out to a party and had a drunken meltdown?
- Drank by yourself and had a drunken meltdown?
- Made your bestie drink with you because you were lonely and then both of you had a drunken meltdown?
- (Spoiler alert) Binge-watched an entire season of “The Walking Dead” and then cried when Glenn died?
- Binge-watched an entire season of “Friends” and then cried because you have no friends?
- Went on UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens and sent a meme to your friend, followed by: “This is so real lmao”?
- Submitted a meme to UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens and then cried when it was deleted?
- Texted your ex because you were more horny than you cared about your grades and-or future?
- Hooked up with your ex and then cried after they left because of your painful regrets?
- Re-installed Tinder?
- Deactivated your Facebook account to study harder?
- Reactivated your Facebook account because you just ended up spending more time on Tinder?
- Deleted Tinder?
- Seriously considered dropping out of school?
- Stripped at a party?
- Stripped in public?
- Stripped in class?
- Had an existential crisis and reinvented your entire life plan?
- Had another existential crisis and decided to go back to your original life plan because you were too lazy to follow through with your new goals?
- Stood outside your door and wondered if you should go to class or hitchhike to the other side of the country to start a new life?
- Set your hair on fire?
- Adopted a dog?
- Asked your dog to write your paper for you?
- Set your dog on fire?
- Put up an adoption post on Free & For Sale for your dog?
- Died but came back to life because your paper wasn’t going to write itself?
- Called your parents for money?
- Called your siblings for money?
- Called your ex for money?
- Not gotten any money from your parents, siblings or ex?
- Thought about robbing a bank?
- Thought about robbing Chancellor Nicholas Dirks?
- Done literally anything else, because everything you do is terrible and you can’t win at this school?
If you answered yes to more than three of these, you’re a terrible student. Full 100 percent. But then again, so is everyone else, so hopefully that makes you feel better.
Contact Jihoon Park at [email protected].