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DECEMBER 09, 2016

Ah, finals season is upon us, and it seems as though there is no shortage of drama going into dead week. From the uncanny return of the Plastics to fraternity date parties, it appears that all of campus is buzzing. Haven’t felt the viral uprisings or emotional breakdowns of dead week yet? Never fear, we at the Clog have some burn book-quality rumors to spread about your peers that will entail a dead week as lively as ever.

Spread a rumor that your friend has a Chegg account.

Oh fates, the holy grail of all logins and passwords. The one account that may rival Netflix as the most salient and prolific site on the internet. That’s right folks, Chegg is the one medium that gives you the chance to take your homework grade from alarming to A+. Disclosing that your beloved peer has the sacred symbols that allow access to this stronghold will instantly take their social status from non-existent to Queen B.

Spread a rumor that your friend cheated off of you on the midterm and thus is useless to the Google Doc study guide.

Oh, nothing like a cheating scandal to raise some tail feathers this RRR week. Tensions can be rather high this time of year, and it seems like the fight for the A can often mirror a fight to the death. Thus, releasing the cheating bomb can be the weapon you need to explode your study group and lead to World War III in the land of Google Docs.

Spread a rumor that your friend is Chancellor Nicholas Dirks and Melania Trump’s love child.

Now for the real heavy hitters. Chegg account? Weak. Cheating scandal? So North Shore High School. This is UC Berkeley. This is the heavyweights. Go big or go home. Thus, we at the Clog think a white lie could change this week from mundane to insane. “Overheard at UC Berkeley” would be so lit, Facebook itself could crash. This rumor will be so widespread the Inquirer will be knocking on your door, or Main Stacks, within the hour. Who needs the naked run when you have the love child of the century on the loose?

Spread a rumor that the public funds have indeed been found.

You know us at the Clog, we always end on a bang. That’s right enduring reader, the time has come. That’s correct. We at the Clog suggest you drop the ultimate rumor: the public funds have been located, and the alleged perpetrator is not our chancellor, but rather your dear sweet comrade. As ever so loyal fans of our stoic chancellor, we always knew his scheming abilities were far greater than those which would allow entanglement in a public funds ordeal (we still wholeheartedly believe in the squirrel theory, though). With the boredom of study guides sinking in, this gossip could be your escape from the hollows of finals hell.

Gossip away friends, we at the Clog are waiting to hear some ravenous rumors this finals week!

Contact Nichole Bloom at [email protected].

DECEMBER 08, 2016