Why study when you can sabotage?

Benny Grush/File

It’s finally finals time, and we at the Clog are really feeling the pressure mounting. It’s gotten to that stage in the semester when we simply eat, sleep and dream (more like a nightmare) about the dreaded exams that are now thrust upon us. It’s a cruel game of hide-and-seek, and ready or not, here they come.

We already tried studying and decided it’s not really for us. Instead, we’ve discovered a much simpler and more secure way of attaining the grades we desire. Why actually study when you can just spend your time sabotaging others taking the exam? That’s right — you heard us. It may seem dire, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Return to sender

If you manage to hack into your professor’s email account, you can cause a wealth of trouble. All you have to do is simply send out a mass email to all your classmates indicating some sort of change for the exam. You can really get creative with it here. If you’re feeling a bit anxious, maybe start with something small, such as switching the exam date, time or venue. However, if you’re feeling particularly devious, why not just cancel the exam itself? You’ll be the only one who shows up for the real final, and while your professor will be nothing short of confused, it’s obviously their fault for providing wrong information.

Don’t be alarmed

Now this is a bit of a stretch, but we believe in you. If you can hack into emails, then you should try a bit harder and just hack into the electrical grid of Berkeley. Go big or go home, right? Now, you may ask what the point of this is. Well, bear with us and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. The one thing we all do the night before an exam is make sure our phones are fully charged in order for our seven alarms to go off repeatedly the next morning. Cutting off the electricity around Berkeley means that no one will be able to charge their phones, and consequently, all those alarms will inevitably fail to go off. It’s the cruelest of sabotages, it’s necessary and it must be done. Just make sure you still have a way to wake up in the morning.

Curve (and heart) breaker

All of the above may seem extreme, but it’s nothing compared to what we’re about to say next. Imagine, just for a mere second, that you worked so hard and did so well on your final exam that you set the curve all on your own! It’s a thought equivalent only to binge-watching Netflix guilt-free in your own bed (don’t worry, that time is nearly upon us). But maybe, just maybe, instead of putting so much effort into sabotaging those around you, you put just as much time into actually studying for the actual exam. Who would have thought? You’ll undoubtedly break the curve, and the hearts of your fellow classmates, with your newfound knowledge and test-taking abilities.

But nah, who are we kidding? Pick one (or both, for good measure) of the first two options and have some fun with it. Just make sure that nothing backfires on you, i.e. make those emails untraceable and find a way to set an alarm for yourself. Happy sabotage studying!

Contact Jenisha Sabaratnam at [email protected].