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Bold predictions for 2017

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JANUARY 20, 2017

2016 was a completely unpredictable year. The Cubs won the World Series. Creepy clowns roamed the streets at night. Snapchat took someone else’s face and put it on your face. Although everyone is relieved that 2016 is finally behind us, we’ve no reason to believe that 2017 will be any less ridiculous. Our predictions for 2017 may seem far-fetched, but just remember what happened last year, and suddenly they’ll become much more realistic.

Therapy dogs will be replaced by virtual reality.

Petting dogs to relieve your stress will soon be a thing of the past. Instead of heading to Sproul to pet a puppy after failing your midterm, you’ll be heading to Sproul to put on a virtual reality headset. You’ll soon be transported to a new reality in which you didn’t fail your midterm. Puppies can only numb the pain, but virtual reality can make it seem like you’ve never felt any pain in the first place.

Chancellor Dirks will get roasted by a new DeCal.

New and innovative DeCals are added each semester. We’re predicting that the most popular new DeCal of 2017 will be called “How to build a fence for less than $700,000.” It’s exactly what it sounds like. Perfect for civil engineering students, this DeCal will definitively prove that adequate fences can be built at a reasonable cost. All designs will be sent to the chancellor, just in case he tries to build another fence.

Eatsa will become even trendier.

What’s trendier than robots serving you quinoa? In 2016 almost nothing was trendier, but in 2017 Eatsa will have to step it up. Robots can fly now, and Eatsa will be the next company to incorporate drones into their business model. But those drones won’t be bringing you quinoa, they’ll be bringing you mud. We’ve never thought about mud as food before, but people had to have felt the same way about quinoa at some point.

The elevators in Evans will be fully operational.

This may be the boldest prediction on this list, but at the start of a new year anything seems possible. The days of waiting for an elevator before accepting defeat and taking the stairs may soon be over. We’ve learned to never trust the dates on the signs that say when the elevators will be working. Yet, this just feels like the year that operational elevators will reign supreme.

After 2016, we really hope that 2017 doesn’t have as many surprises in store. In fact, we would welcome a boring, uneventful 2017 as a respite from last year’s calamities. But if there’s one thing 2016 has taught us, it’s that we should be ready for anything.

Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].

JANUARY 20, 2017