Quiz: Have your loans disbursed yet?

Ethan Epstein/File

New semester, new problems that are out of your control. It’s like a new flaw in UC Berkeley’s administrative duties is revealed each and every time you log back into CalCentral to see if those multiplying holds on your account have disappeared. And, on top of all that, you may be currently searching for the answer to the age-old question, “Have my loans disbursed yet?” It’s the mystery of the century, or at least January 2017, and we at the Clog are here to help you uncover the truth.

  1. How many warning messages do you currently have on CalCentral about your enrollment being cancelled?
    1. One. Can they do something about it now?
    2. Three. I get it!
    3. 800. Borderline overkill, if you ask me.
    4. None. Yet I still owe money. Something’s fishy.
  2. Have you called Cal Student Central to sort out this issue?
    1. Yeah, but a pre-recorded message told me to hang up. I’m pretty sure they’re out to get me.
    2. After seven hours of waiting on the line and listening to a continuous stream of elevator music, I gave up and decided to drop out of school.
    3. No, Cal Student Central is an urban legend.
    4. I’d rather not.
  3. Do you consider yourself an optimist?
    1. Optimism? Never heard of it.
    2. If my loans disburse, yeah.
    3. Wait, you can be an optimist at this school?
    4. People are inherently evil.
  4. Have you opened an umbrella inside or broken any mirrors recently?
    1. Yeah, so?
    2. No way, man. Superstitious is my middle name … and my Instagram username. Follow me.
    3. No, but the cutest black cat walked right in front of me the other day!
    4. I don’t like to attribute supernatural forces to anything that happens in my life. It’s just not the way things work.
  5. If there were a Hunger Games in which the prize was school loans, would you participate?
    1. I’m not willing to die to go to UC Berkeley. I might as well save my sanity and transfer.
    2. Call me Katniss, please.
    3. Hell no.
    4. If we were fighting for scholarships instead of loans, sure.
  6. Who do you believe is running this faulty operation?
    1. The pre-recorded voice you hear when you call Cal Student Central.
    2. The evil villains of UC Berkeley.
    3. The loan company.
    4. Donald J. Trump.
    1. We’re sorry to break the news to you, but your loans are never disbursing. It’s just the price you pay for going to UC Berkeley. Uh, well, the price you can’t pay. We didn’t want to make that joke, but in your case, we couldn’t avoid it. Our apologies.
    2. Quick, check CalCentral right now! We at the Clog have magical powers and have just disbursed your loans for you. We may have even thrown in a scholarship for you!
    3. You’re in a tricky situation. Half of your loans have disbursed, but it looks like Dirks stole the other half. It’s quite unfortunate, but you’re going to have to find his trap door and go on a treasure hunt for the rest of your loans.
    4. You already paid for school, silly! We’re not sure why you took this quiz, but thanks for driving up our website traffic. We’re indebted to you. (Literally, we owe you some loans. But we can’t tell you when they’ll disburse.)

 

Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].