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Poopin' around

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JANUARY 26, 2017

It could come in the middle of your discussion. It could come while you’re giving a presentation. It probably comes as you’re exiting Crossroads. Whenever it comes, there’s no avoiding it — you’ve gotta poop. At UC Berkeley, there’s no shortage of toilets to receive your dump, but which ones are the best? The answer depends on a few factors, which we’ve rated out of 10 — privacy, cleanliness and in emergency situations. The perfect public bathroom is sparsely populated, regularly cleaned and easily accessible in case of an emergency. We dropped our loads in a diverse group of bathrooms around campus, and what we’ve learned can help turn you into you an expert pooper.

Evans Hall

The bathrooms in Evans are about as bland as you’d expect them to be, which isn’t exactly a bad thing when it comes to toilets. The floors and stalls aren’t necessarily clean but you can’t say that they’re dirty either. Evans doesn’t have any huge lecture halls, so there won’t be any rushes when class ends, but still expect a moderate crowd during peak school hours. As far as emergencies are concerned, these bathrooms are commonly used, so counting on an empty stall at a moment’s notice might be risky. However, Evans does have bathrooms on every floor. This means you won’t have to navigate any stairways, which are best avoided in emergency situations. Overall, Evans is a good baseline bathroom.

Privacy: 6/10

Cleanliness: 5/10

Emergency situations: 5/10

Total: 16/30

Faculty Club

The Faculty Club’s most valuable attributes are it’s privacy and cleanliness. With no lecture halls or classrooms in the building, these toilets don’t come into contact with nearly as many butts as other campus toilets. The disadvantage is that you can probably only use this bathroom a few times, since faculty members may not take kindly to people showing up just to poop in their building. For an emergency, you’re almost certain to find a private place to secretly unload, but the Faculty Club is so quiet that it might not be a secret for long. You probably want a different bathroom if your emergency is the loud kind.

Privacy: 9/10

Cleanliness: 8/10

Emergency situations: 8/10

Total: 25/30

Haas School of Business

The Haas bathrooms are average in every way except one — their proximity to construction. The ongoing construction at Haas means there are times during the day when you can poop as loudly as you want and the construction noises will drown out your pooping noises. If no one can hear you poop, it’s like you aren’t pooping at all.

Privacy: 5/10

Cleanliness: 5/10

Emergency situations: 8/10

Total: 18/30

Construction site porta-potties

If Haas bathrooms earn points for being near the construction zone, these porta-potties get even more points for being in the construction zone. Privacy is not as great as you might think, because even though you’re alone, you’re still all too aware of the pedestrians around you. However, no toilet is is more suitable for an emergency poop than a porta-potty. They’re rarely occupied and you don’t even have to enter a building to find one.

Privacy: 6/10

Cleanliness: 2/10

Emergency situations: 10/10

Total: 18/30

Deciding where to take your dumps is a complex process, but whether your poop is big or small, quiet or loud, there’s a place for every poop on our campus. Beyond our list, there are dozens of other hidden gems waiting to be pooped in. But until we find them, if you work in the Faculty Club, we’ll see you soon.

Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].

JANUARY 25, 2017