The Bachelor: Dirks Edition

Rachael Garner/File

Alas Bachelor fans of Berkeley, the time has come. Yes, devoted patrons the 21st (symbolic?) season of “The Bachelor” has finally arrived. We know some of you are delighted to see such a fresh face like the novel Nick Viele starring this season. But let’s be candid, this wouldn’t be authentic Clog content if we didn’t tie it back to the messiah himself, Nicholas Dirks.

We at the Clog say nay to this mundane fit, attractive and available suitor and cry for a more down to earth fellow. Join us as we imagine The Bachelor starring a man who encompasses everything anyone could ever desire. That’s right ladies and gentleman — Nicholas D. (Bachelor name formula applied) has intellect, ingenuity, fashion and, best of all, a vast knowledge of fences.

Now, let’s meet our lovely contestants vying for our dear chancellor’s heart:

Corrine

We know. A bachelor season would not complete without our token crazy-pants-Cathy. This season has blessed with the gift of Corrine, a 24-year-old heiress from Miami with a nanny. Yes triggered reader, you heard us right, a nanny. Corrine will try to lure in Nicholas D. with her sexuality and wealth. Her main attributes include her ability to finance any fence Nicholas D. could ever dream of. With this advantage, the final rose could definitely be in her future.

Chad

Alas, our prayers have been answered. Chad has finally returned. That’s right dear peers, our favorite protein connoisseur has finally declared his affections for our campus’s hero. Chad is ready to battle both Chris Harrison and his fellow contestants alike to capture Nicholas D.’s heart. His real estate background could perhaps lure our chancellor’s own construction interests, inspiring him reclaim Wheeler Hall as his own personal ballroom dance academy.

Melania Trump

Cease, cease crying reader, we at the Clog know what you’re waiting for. Yes, Melania Trump will undoubtedly make a mid-season appearance, bringing her and our academic leader’s love child along for the ride. This will be the height of drama in Nich D.’s season and lead Corrine to call Raquel (the nanny) to see if she (Raquel) is ready to be a parent. Chad will bring the child a protein shake and an exercise ball in attempts to gain acceptance. First lady or first place? Barron, you have company.

Chris Harrison

This is it. This will be the final season of “The Bachelor.” Why, you may inquire? Chris Harrison will finally find his soulmate. We all know the reason this show has continued to saturate our lives is because of its beloved hosts lack of true love. Fear not comrades, Nicholas D. is the one. After Melania brings her and Dirks’ love child, our bachelor will experience a catharsis. This will lead him to confide in none other than his host, Chris. After reaching an enlightened mindset, our chancellor will realize that the only thing that has ever brought him pure joy is seeing Chris Harrison’s face on ABC every Monday. The two will escape through a series of tunnels and return to Berkeley to hide behind Nicholas’ secure fence.

Corinne will then have an emotional breakthrough and realize she’s in love with Chad. Chad will be elated by this news and take Corinne out on their first official date to cross fit.

At last, the final of the final roses has been gifted, and all of our favorite Bachelor icons have achieved true love.

Nichole Bloom is the assistant blog editor. Contact Nichole Bloom at [email protected].