UC Berkeley alternative facts

Nishali Naik/Staff

Let’s spin together — there’s nothing better than the alternative truth!

1. “Oski Bear is terrifying (to the point where looking at him chills you to your very core) on purpose: to fend off our opponents.”

Oski is an example of someone who’s done an amazing job at being scary and is being recognized more and more, we notice.

2. “You can get classes at Berkeley!”

Only 109 people out of 325,000 have trouble getting into classes. Big problems in classes in the past were caused by a computer outage.

3. “Public transportation in Berkeley runs smoothly.”

These so called A-grade Stanford students all want tickets for those Cal Trains across the peninsula, but look what they have on us — nothing. We want BART!

4. “There are no homeless people in Berkeley.”

Big day planned on national security tomorrow. Among many other things, we will build the wall against homeless people!

5. “Food in UC Berkeley dining halls is delicious.”

And even if you hate it, we’d like to extend our best wishes to all, even the haters and the losers.

6. “We don’t worry about the environment here at UC Berkeley!”

Because the concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese.

7. “UC Berkeley students are smarter than any other students on this planet.”

Sorry losers and haters, but our IQs are one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.

9. “Buying textbooks isn’t too expensive!”

Because the beauty of us is that we’re very rich.

10. “UC Berkeley’s campus is really small!”

And to keep it small, we must build a wall between UC Berkeley and the rest of Berkeley!

11. “Classes at UC Berkeley really aren’t big.”

An “extremely credible source” has called our office and told us this truth.

12. “Berkeley weather is fantastic always!”

When it’s freezing and raining here — we just ask for global warming!

13. “The Cal football team is on a winning streak.”

The failing @nytimes has been wrong about them from the very beginning. Said they would lose the primary games, then the playoff games. FAKE NEWS!

Wow, that was fun! We love listing alternative facts about this amazing college we attend, alternative facts that really are facts. Unfortunately, UC Berkeley may not last the next four years.

Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].