Quiz: Which UC Berkeley sex position are you?

Lauren Glasby/Senior Staff

If you’re in need of a little spice in your sex life, why not try something new? Let our beloved institution, UC Berkeley, inspire you to sexual heights you’ve never reached before. We study here, we eat here, we live here — why not fuck here too?

  1. When is your preferred time to bang?
    1. After a good run
    2. When the weather is clearest
    3. Whenever the Quidditch team is practicing
    4. Early — right before skipping off to class
  2. What’s your favorite flavor of condom?
    1. Chocolate
    2. Peppermint
    3. Green apple
    4. Banana
  3. Where do you like doing the nasty?
    1. Memorial Stadium
    2. On the Whisper Bench
    3. Any patch of grass will do
    4. Wherever I happened to wake up
  4. What’s your favorite post-game snack?
    1. Corndog
    2. Apple and pear galette
    3. Red Bull
    4. A cigarette with the filter torn off
  5. Sweat level?
    1. Dripping
    2. One bead of sweat trickling down my spine
    3. No sweat but a single tear
    4. Only in my crack, baby
  6. What does your roll in the hay sound like?
    1. Heavy breathing
    2. Shriek like a banshee
    3. Squilch! Squelch!
    4. Complete silence
  7. What does your sex smell like?
    1. Farm animals
    2. A crisp Bay breeze
    3. Dirt
    4. Morning dew
    1. Oski Style: In this close cousin of the doggy-style position, one partner clasps their hands behind their back and chases the other(s) around the room until everyone is dripping with sweat. When you are good and horny, begin your journey on the floor — don’t forget your white gloves! Upon orgasm, yell “Oski wow-wow!”
    2. The Campanile: First thing’s first, put on a sexy tape of carillon music to get you in the mood. One partner with a penis or strap-on should lie down on their back, as their ding-a-ling sticks straight upwards, as handsome and everlasting as our beloved Campanile. Then, much like reverse cowgirl, face away from your partner and slide up and down that thing to get the gorgeous view from the top.
    3. Memorial Glade Confidential: Sometimes you gotta spice things up, and what better way to do so than to pound one out in view of literally everyone on campus. Make missionary your mission and squilch, squelch and roll around in the wet mud and grass on Memorial Glade. While any patch of public grass will work, there’s nothing quite like having to tell every one of your future neighbors all about the wonders of our beautiful campus.
    4. 8 a.m. Section Special: Look, we get it. The rough rigors of UC Berkeley academics leave little to no room for whoopie, so what are we clever Bears left to do? Squeeze in a sesh of hanky-panky whenever possible! Before section get into spoon position with your partner of choice, then slip penis or strap-on into whichever hole you opportunistic scholars have agreed on. Just try to finish before Berkeley time.

Sasha Ashall is the blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].