What you could have bought with the $282 tuition hike

Ariel Hayat/File

On Jan. 26, the UC Board of Regents approved a tuition hike of $282 for the 2017-18 academic year. The hike means in-state undergraduate students will be paying $336 more next year for their education.

Unfortunately, this extra $282 means missing out on buying a few truly invaluable, actually intangible things (mostly from Amazon, because honestly who doesn’t shop at Amazon #prime #oneclickordering!!). Here are a few things you could have bought with that money:

Love

We all want it, and it’s attainable on iTunes for a truly amazing price! You can purchase the song L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole on iTunes RIGHT NOW for only $1.29. That leaves a total sum of $280.71 to buy your actual significant other nice things — or yourself, because honestly, treat yourself. But if you’re looking for some love, buying Nat King Cole’s song is equally good. It’s a pretty solid song! When you’re feeling lost, lonely and alone in the world (as we all do from time to ti — ehh, let’s be real, all the time at Berkeley), just listen to this song. It will make you envious of everyone else in the whole world that’s in love, but it might help. Maybe.

Happiness

Yes, it’s possible to buy happiness. Well, not really, but you can buy the movie Happiness on Amazon for only $2.99! That leaves a full $279.01 of your $282 to buy yourself shoes and chocolates and whatever else you need to actually make yourself happy. But watching the full movie might also take time away from studying and lead to a C in a class, which would probably make you very unhappy seeing as you’re a Berkeley student, so we will not guarantee happiness of any kind. We’re really not sure if watching this movie will actually bring you the happiness you want in life. But, it’s a pretty good movie — it got 85 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and we all know RT is legit.

A Social Life

We all work hard at this every day, and honestly, it’s exhausting making new friends. We’re in big lecture halls all the time, and who actually wants to create a whole new friendship while sitting for 10 minutes before class starts? But we have a quick way to find a social life — a solution that will make use of your $282. On Amazon, there is a plethora of cardboard cutouts of REAL PEOPLE! It’s insane, and you can just pick yourself up a few cardboard cutout friends today. We highly recommend the Danny DeVito cardboard cutout (for ONLY $19.97 … plus $4.48 shipping), because who doesn’t want to be friends with Danny DeVito? Danny DeVito is better than any friend you can find at Berkeley (we can guarantee it this time). 

A Stressless Life

We all know the key to ending personal stress is to buy a fantastically fun squishy mesh ball. There is no other way. Really. So with your $282, you can buy this Topseller Mesh Squishy Ball by Unknown (that may be a little sketchy, but it’s Amazon, so ya know, we just blindly believe and one-click order from them on a daily basis) for only $2.58 (PLUS FREE SHIPPING!). You’ll have $279.42 left over — which you’ll probably use to buy about 108 more stress balls (yeah, we did the math). Who doesn’t love stress balls?

Motivation to Exercise

None of us have this motivation ever, so let’s change that fact right now. With your $282 tuition hike, you can buy Cardio Attack (WHAT WHAT!) for just $8.99 on Amazon. Cardio will literally (we’re channeling Chris Traeger vibes) change the way you exercise: It gives you a fully formed playlist of fantastically annoying upbeat songs to keep you motivated and able to finish that half mile run. Buying Cardio Attack will leave you with a grand total of $273.01 for exercise gear, In-N-Out and maybe four alarm clocks to wake you up for your morning run. It’s a win-win situation!

As you can see, if we end up having to pay $282 more per year to attend this fine establishment, we may miss out on buying what we really need in life. With that much money, it’s possible to buy love or even a social life — money truly can buy you happiness.

Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].