Power ranking: Chancellor Dirks’ scandals

Kore Chan/File

Ah, Chancellor Dirks. The Clog’s favorite scapegoat and the butt of some of our better jokes, Dirks is a mainstay on our site. But now, for the first time, we at the Clog are compiling the official ranking of his scandals, evaluated on three metrics: the gravity of the scandal (implications, severity), how funny the scandal was and how good Dirks’ brows look in the article’s photo. Bonus points will be awarded if a scandal earned a dedicated Clog article.

The fence

Gravity: 2/5. As far as scandals go, the fence ranks low on this list. Although it was pricier and took longer to complete than expected, the fence will (supposedly) save the school money.

Humor: 5/5. What kind of fence costs $700,000? That is just absurd — absurdly funny. Easily memeable, the fence is a classic UC Berkeley joke.

Eyebrows: 0/5. Once again, Dirks is not featured in the photo. Disappointing.

+ 5 points for having its own Clog article.

Total: 12/15

The escape hatch

Gravity: 2/5. There’s kind of a good reason for this one, at least. Now, Dirks can’t be trapped in his office every other day as students continue to protest. It could, however, also enable the chancellor to ignore students’ wishes and escape his responsibilities. Only time will tell if the trap door will become more scandalous.

Humor: 4/5. Solidly humorous. The trap door sounds more ridiculous than it actually is, which lends itself well to exaggerated jokes. Who does Dirks think he is, the Phantom of the Opera? Hilarious.

Eyebrows: 3/5. While Dirks (and his glorious brows) make an appearance, they are far away from the camera, and therefore we cannot truly appreciate the brows in all of their glory.

+ 2.5 points for references in multiple Clog articles, like this one and this one.

Total: 11.5/15

The strategic profile

Gravity: 3/5. $270,000 doesn’t seem like a lot of money compared to the fence scandal, but it’s certainly not chump change. It was also for a “strategic profile” to figure out how to make Dirks more likable and therefore make UC Berkeley more money. We guess you have to spend money to make money?

Humor: 3/5. Pretty funny. What does “strategic profile” really mean? Who decided Dirks needed one? Why didn’t he just hire one of the thousands of consulting clubs already on campus? Is this why they started waxing his unibrow? We at the Clog may never know.

Eyebrows: 4/5. Yass, Dirks, yass! The brows are here in this picture, and we at the Clog are here for them.

Total: 10/15.

Alleged misuse of public funds

Gravity: 4/5. You can’t do that, Dirks! This scandal is a big deal — funding is very important at UC Berkeley, and we at the Clog believe it should go to the students first.

Humor: 5/5. Dirks’ alleged misuse of public funds is the meme to end all memes. Every UC Berkeley student has made a public funds joke at some point in their academic career, and if you haven’t, do you even go here?

Eyebrows: 4/5. Front and center, unobstructed, the brows stole the show in this photo. Dirks is at his best here.

+ 2.5 points for references in multiple Clog articles, like this one and this one.

Total: 15.5/15

Werewolf allegations

Gravity: 5/5. The man could be a werewolf! This is serious, Bears. Can you really trust a man who howls at the moon once a month? No.

Humor: 5/5. What kind of bizarre theory is this? The best kind, of course. When we at the Clog heard the first rumors of this scandal, all we could do was laugh, and laugh, and laugh. We take investigative journalism very seriously.

Eyebrows: 2/5. As a key piece of evidence (along with his mustache), the eyebrows should be more visible in the photo than they are. We can do better.

+ 5 points for having its own Clog article.

Total: 17/15

Contact Jamie Campbell at [email protected].