Editor’s note: The following is a collection of anonymous stories sent in by various UC Berkeley students about the horrifying experiences they’ve had when interacting with the animals who attend this university. The submissions have been edited for length and clarity. We have included our own Roommate Review Grade for each story. See if you agree with our score. And although we would have liked to include all the stories sent in, a few stories seemed too good — er … or bad — to be true. Enjoy!
B for basic
My freshman year, I had a roommate who was randomly assigned. She hated the dining-hall food and had her parents shovel out money so she could buy Pieology every day, which just ended up in a massive pile on her desk. She told me that she was not interested in making friends on the floor and that’s why she joined a sorority — so she wouldn’t have to make friends. (Note: I, too, am in a sorority but had friends on the floor.) She went to sleep at 9 p.m. every night and complained that the desk lamp was too bright, so I had to leave whenever she wanted to sleep. Not to mention she was constantly sick — and only ever drank Diet Coke.
L for lightweight
Freshman year, one of my roommates got so drunk, they were convinced the corner between their bed and the closet was a bathroom stall, and they peed on the carpet. Twice. Pro tip: Invest in carpet cleaner
BA for Benedict Arnold
My roommate and I were best friends, and he knew how much I still loved my ex. He fed me crap about how things would get better and how I didn’t need her in my life. Lo and behold, he ends up dating her after they hooked up at a rave, and I don’t think he had an ounce of guilt. He brings her over into my own room to cuddle, and it’s essentially a slap in the face. Like, OK? It’s not bad enough you’re banging her, but you gotta make me see her, too? I haven’t slept in my own bed in two months, but until I move out in May, the living room couch will have to do.
F for fresh
Roommate 1: Fills the whole fridge with soap, makes all food in the fridge taste like soap for the whole year. Who needs to refrigerate soap!? Roommate 2: Has washed sheets one time in two semesters, lies to my face and says he washes it all the time. Excited to move out in one month.
V for volume
My roommate snores so much throughout the night very loudly! It’s like a car or plane engine going off at night. I could have handled a lawnmower-style noise, but not this loud.
W for weak
Freshman year, I roomed with two strangers in one of the Units. One of them had the shittiest immune system I’ve ever seen and was sick all the time. Of course, this resulted in me getting sick as well, since we were all contained in a cramped triple. One night after a devastatingly nasty bout of coughing (I was severely sick because of her), I finally managed to fall asleep. The problem was that I was so sick that my breathing was a death rattle. In the middle of the night, the roommate who got me sick throws her pillow at my face and tells me to “stop breathing.” Yeah, I promptly stopped breathing and dropped dead.
M for mature
Freshman year, one of my roommates masturbated on top of my bunk because she thought I was asleep — I wasn’t. And she’d leave her dirty underwear on the ground that turned white from discharge. My other roommate stole my clothes and left a bloody, open-faced pad on her desk.
BO for B.O.
One of my roommates when I first came to UC Berkeley was a very funny and nice but unfortunately very smelly dude. He was a little big, would get very sweaty and wore sandals all day, but he never showered. I think he may have once, but it was for the ice-bucket challenge. I actually had to fight for the right to sleep on the small, firm couch in the living room so that I could get away from the smell, because I dislike confrontation so much. I really wish I had said something early on, but I didn’t for the entire year, and it physically and mentally affected me.
SW for sweater weather
I’ve been waiting my entire life for an outlet to express the animosity that exists between me and my roommate. Freshman year, I bought a typical Cal pullover sweater. You know, the kind every single student at UC Berkeley and their mom owns? I was super excited to join the Cal sweater community, and as I walked into my Unit 1 residence hall room that day, what does my roommate do? She accuses me of stealing her sweater, because she swore she had one that looked just like it. As much as I’d like to say her accusation was a joke, I knew from that moment on that I would never like that accusatory skank.
S for same
I once found underwear among my blankets. Not mine. Cleanliness unknown.
ICU for ‘I can’t unsee’
My roommate freshman year never cleaned up after himself, he never showered, and his white bedsheets were brown by the end of the semester. One morning, however, everything changed. I woke up at 10 a.m., ready for the day. As I climb down from the top bunk, I notice my roommate is underneath his bed sheets. Then, I see it. A furious, continual jerking motion, right at crotch level. Realizing what’s happening, I cough loudly, signaling to him that I’m still in the room. The bed sheets freeze. Slowly, he pulls down the sheets, barely revealing his face. We lock eyes briefly, then he slowly pulls the sheets back over his head and goes right back to masturbating. That’s the day I realized I hated my roommate.
FN for fake news
My freshman-year roommate spread some (false) story about how I threatened her with a knife over Snapchat. No one on our floor believed her, so I didn’t really take it too seriously, since I thought she had only told people on our floor. Well, I was wrong, and every now and then I still meet people who heard the story about the crazy girl who tried to kill her roommate. So that kinda sucks.
S for snake
At the very beginning of freshman year, I kept being rejected from clubs, and I felt like I had no friends. I cried a lot, and I would wake up crying sometimes. I tried to hide it from my roommate, but it turns out she noticed, because I heard from friends of hers later that she would complain about it, that I was pathetic and that she wished I would just stop crying. Super supportive, right? My freshman-year roommate took to video chatting when I was in the room, thinking I couldn’t hear her because of my noise-canceling headphones. But I could hear her, and I liked to amuse myself listening to the weird things she would say. But one time, I heard her say, “I hate my roommate. She is so rude. She never invites me to do anything with her, and I invite her all the time.” She proceeded to talk about how horrible I was for a few minutes more, while I was right there in the room.
BLB for Bad Luck Bob
I honestly used to think I could get along with any roommate because of my open and honest personality. That was, until I started living with “Bob” this year. Bob has the sort of pretentious personality to where he never thinks he’s wrong, no matter how rude he acts. He will constantly degrade you with snide remarks and actions that honestly made even me sick of him. For example, Bob likes to leave our room’s window open a lot, by which I mean he hates it whenever it is closed. It can be 1 a.m. during the rain, and Bob still will want it open because it “smells bad.” And he will always reply rudely when I politely ask him to close it. Bob, please start being more considerate and stop arguing back everything.
R for relatable
My two roommates created a separate group chat with their SOs and friends to talk shit about me and my other roommate.
L for lit
He pissed in my other roommate’s water bottle because he was too lazy to leave his bunk to go to the bathroom. Some days, he would spend all day in bed “hotboxing” the room with his vape pen, setting off the smoke alarm as many as 10 times in one day. Lastly, he ate all of our ice cream or left it out to melt into a soupy abomination, which would inevitably fall on our beds.
SD for sugar daddy
After moving out but promising to pay rent until he could find a replacement, I had a guy claim he couldn’t afford to keep living with us, bailing on paying rent days before it was due. I guess he forgot that I had followed him on Instagram though, because a few weeks later, he posted a vacation pic from Costa Rica …
RF for rainy forecast
One of my freshman-year roommates had a bed-wetting problem when she drank alcohol (which, thankfully, was not often). Moral of story: The bottom bunk isn’t always the best way to go.
O for ohana
One time the fire alarm went off at 3 a.m., and it took me a minute to wake up. By the time I had, my roommates had already left the building with no thought of me.
A for amnesia
One of my roommates turned out to be a compulsive liar, toxically nonconfrontational and a klepto. She took facewash, earrings, shoes, clothes and the kicker was finding a bunch of pairs of my missing underwear soiled in her dirty laundry. In order to avoid meeting with our resident assistant, she blocked us on every medium possible and disappeared from our room the entire second semester, even though her stuff would move around suspiciously. When I finally ran into her, she pretended not to know me then told me a tragic anecdote about how she was dropping out — I saw her on campus last week. My other roommate was chill other than the fact she collected and sold dolls, which she would display on her desk across from my bed. Shout-out to my floormates for keeping me sane!
PB for personal bubble
My old roommate would take up all the space in the apartment. The majority of the fridge, freezer and pantry were filled with her groceries, so some inevitably rotted, but she would never throw them out. She also took most of the space in the shared closet and left piles of trash in the hallway. On top of this, she would complain about her housemates’ dishes piling up while barely cleaning any of her own dishes or messes. She also had this boyfriend she would fight with constantly, but they would make up and have loud sex. Also, her normal speaking voice was basically just high-pitched screaming. A year of this bullshit.
TU for turn-up
In freshman year, I lived in a triple. While I was gone for a weekend club retreat, one of my roommates partied hard at her sorority and came home beyond wasted. She threw up in the elevator, in the bathroom, in our room on the carpet and on my desk. When confronted about it the next day, she denied that it happened, saying, “I don’t think that was me. I would have remembered if something like that happened.” This definitely wasn’t the worst thing she’s done, but she never said sorry. Since moving out, we’ve blocked each other on all social media.
PG for Parental Guidance
Roommate 1: I hope you learned that trash cans exist and that stepping on rotten foods with your bare feet does, in fact, attract fruit flies. Stop bitching about every little detail of your life for sympathy. Roommate 2: I had to buy and install my own door locks to prevent you from going through my personal belongings. I hope your parents stopped responding to your begs for money. They deserve a child who doesn’t spend all of their money on makeup and alcohol. (Oh, wait, you keep telling people you’re allergic to it.) Maybe one day you both will finally learn humility. Probably not in this life, though.