How to really win an ASUC election

Jan Flatley-Feldman/File
A student votes at a polling station at Unit 2.

With ASUC election season right around the corner, we all know what to expect — unrequested impromptu speeches on Sproul Plaza, a Facebook newsfeed full of the same five people’s faces and a million generic virtual messages requesting to secure your vote a month in advance for a particular candidate. But we’ve started wondering — do these ASUC leadership-elects know how to campaign? They’re missing out on some amazing ideas that would guarantee a win within a blink of an eye. We at the Clog believe everyone’s time is valuable, and thus we want to save the blood, sweat and tears of anyone running for the ASUC this spring. We therefore present a list of sure-fire platforms these candidates can use to clinch one of these highly coveted seats.

Promise to hire a PI to find the Public Funds

This historic mystery of the misuse of our public funds needs to be put to rest. Sure, we all have guesses as to where, or shall we say to whom, these funds went to, but we need someone to get on the inside and give us the hard facts. If an ASUC senator hires a private investigator to go find what Chancellor Dirks (allegedly) did with the funds and how to get them back, we can assure you we’d back this senator within a minute. Maybe we’d somehow get our money back.

Bring back Ramona’s

It’s been too long since someone has mentioned Ramona’s — can we all take a moment to realize that the café that’s to replace Ramona’s is still being built? Think about how many paninis and teriyaki bowls we could’ve eaten by now. Someone needs to bring Ramona’s back, and if anyone can do it, it’s an ASUC candidate.

Give everyone free housing, specifically on College Avenue

We care about a green environment and streets that are lit (pun intended), but what we really need is free housing, namely on College Avenue. Everyone wants to live within a couple blocks of campus, but with the preposterous pricing and lack of availability, finding housing is absolutely insane at Berkeley. If a candidate buys everyone housing, they’re gonna get our vote for sure.

Quadruple the Recreational Sports Facility weight room size

We actually thought the weight room was big enough to satisfy our needs. False. We’re two months into the semester, and people are annoyingly still following their New Year’s resolutions — the weight room is always full, and it’s frustrating. If a candidate wants to win, they need to devote themselves to quadrupling the size of the weight room and freeing up space in the gym so people don’t feel claustrophobic.

We’re not really sure why no one running for the ASUC has made any of these suggestions yet. Even promising one of these would guarantee a win. But we’re giving candidates plenty of time, a month to be exact, to read up on our strategies in detail and hopefully fine-tune their game plan. May the best candidate win!

Contact Avanti Mehrotra at [email protected].