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What the Cal men's basketball team would be doing if they weren't playing basketball

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MARCH 14, 2017

While we’re taking the long walk from Barrows Hall to Dwinelle Hall, the Cal men’s basketball team players are often practicing or traveling. Whatever they’re doing, they’re barely seen on campus. These rare sightings, however, make us wonder: What will the players be doing on campus in their spare time once their season is over, or what do they do when they’re not practicing during the season? This is one of the biggest unsolved mysteries on campus, and because we’d go as far as to say that the players are some of Cal’s biggest celebrities, we’ve decided to brainstorm a few ideas as to what they might actually be doing when they’re not on the court.

Charlie Moore

Charlie may know the game of basketball well, but as a mere freshman (though he could easily be mistaken for a high school freshman), he’d probably be trying to figure out his way around campus. His usual freshman concerns would include what clubs to join and how to avoid the freshman 15 — though we have a hunch he probably hasn’t had to worry about the last one too much. Or, maybe he’d emulate his performance on the court on campus, hanging out with his upperclassman squad and running the ship for organizations such as the ASUC just as well as the seniors in the organization, despite being at UC Berkeley for less than a year.

Jabari Bird

Jabari is the player that wouldn’t have to do much on campus to get everyone’s attention. Because of all of his heroics in Haas Pavilion over the years, everyone would start bowing down at the sight of him on campus. Sure, he’s had some rough games with his injuries, but on the court and on campus, he’s a legend. He is Jabari Bird. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend, but that wouldn’t stop everyone from wanting to be him, hang with him and have the ability to say they know him.

Nick Hamilton

Nick would be that one friend you could count on to throw a major celebration for your success in anything, and he’d get everyone around him to celebrate you, too. Whether you aced an exam or your intramural team won a nail-biting game, Nick would go all out. Based on his big celebrations on the bench for his teammates, he’d  definitely throw a rager and get down to some sick beats. Biggest song of the party would be “Low” by Flo Rida.

Grant Mullins

Grant is an attractive guy. Very attractive, to be specific. And with his luscious hair and swoon-worthy looks, he’d have everyone, boys and girls, fainting at just the mention of his name. We suspect he’s modeling for a couple different companies in his spare time. He’d definitely be modeling for Pantene, because athletes and students need to know how to care for their hair as well as he does. He’d also be modeling for Abercrombie and Fitch because the looks are there, and with his past education at a New York Ivy League school, he likely has impeccable — and preppy — style.

Ivan Rabb

Ah yes, Ivan. Last, but most certainly not least, Ivan would potentially be a student spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts. He’d probably not eat them to maintain a healthy diet, but what more could Dunkin’ Donuts want in a spokesperson than someone who truly understands the ins and outs of dunking? ‘Nuff said.

Well Bears, there you have it. We wish all the players luck this month, especially so they can get some well-deserved wins and then quickly get back to their day jobs.

Avanti Mehrotra covers men’s gymnastics. Contact her at [email protected]

MARCH 14, 2017