Did you see my message on AIM? There’s a party tonight, one that you simply won’t want to miss. You’re going to want to dress up for it — do you still have the glitter body lotion you bought from Limited Too? Put it on.
I’m the DJ, and tonight we’re taking it back to 2011. You won’t believe the jams I have downloaded on my iPod Nano. Pop the wheels into your Heelys, put on your favorite pair of gaucho pants and take off that Aeropostale sweatshirt.
Tonight, we dougie.
“Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett and GoonRock
Let’s start off the night with one of the most important music groups of the mid-2000s. The boys of LMFAO were sexy, and they knew it. They were shufflin’ every single day.
The duo’s energizing hit single is the perfect opener for your night. The infectious chorus plays in the background as you grab a drink, wave to the people you know and begin to get excited. You’re surrounded by lights, sound and color — this is the type of night that goes down in history.
“Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera
You’re all warmed up now, so you hit the dance floor. Everybody is shaking, swinging and popping to the beat. But not you — you are a different breed of dancer.
You walk confidently to the center of the room. You’re young, wild and loose. Adam Levine’s playful falsetto blends with the seductive melody to guide your body through the ups and downs of the bold, funky beat. As you thrust and slide with the passion of a thousand suns, heads begin to turn. Everybody has their eyes on you, and you know that for this sweet, sweet moment, you are the king of this party. Mick Jagger would be so proud of you.
“Low” by Flo Rida
While everybody is watching you, your mind couldn’t be farther from your mad grind. Across the room, there’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. She’s wearing apple-bottom jeans and a pair of boots lined with thick, fluffy fur. She’s noticed you admiring her, and she makes her way over to you. You’re completely enchanted, and next thing you know she’s dancing five feet below you. This is it.
Flo Rida is the king of party tracks. Every song is full of life and shamelessly indulgent. Even if you can’t remember ever hearing one of his songs before, somehow you know every single word. “Low” is sexy, fresh, dynamic and addictive; we can’t help but bend over backwards every time the chorus comes around.
“Bottoms Up” by Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj
You’re rocking out with the girl of your dreams. The two of you dance together like two halves of the same whole. This is exactly how you were hoping this night would go. Could it be true love, here on the dance floor?
Then, in he walks: your archnemesis.
It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.
He’s buying your girl a bottle of rosé. You’ve got a couple bottles, but a couple ain’t enough.
Your nemesis is dancing with her now, and you can only look on and imagine what might’ve been. This happens every time; sometimes you wonder why you even try to compete. Trey Songz’s tough-yet-lyrical flow calls out to you like a siren calling to a sailor on the stormy sea. The smooth, sensual rhythm clashes with the chaos of dozens of people bouncing and thrusting around you. It’s disorienting, but almost in a good way. You need a drink.
“Forget You” by Cee Lo Green
The love of your life has danced her way into the arms of another. I’m living it up in my DJ booth, and I’ve been watching the dance floor like a god looking down on her kingdom. I saw your heart break, and it’s my duty to cheer you up.
I was going to play “Black and Yellow,” but I swap it out for the song I know you need. Time to forget about Mr. Steal Your Girl and your apple-bottomed dance partner. You don’t need either of them! You deserve so much better.
You look up at me from the dance floor, and I give you an enthusiastic thumbs up. Cee Lo Green’s cheeky soul jam has reminded you that you can’t let your night go to waste. You can’t control the grin on your face as Cee Lo belts his way through the whiny bridge and emerges at the climax of the song with a triumphant high note.
“We R Who We R” by Ke$ha
I’ve got you dancing again, and you’ve forgotten all about the night’s losses. You aren’t finished with this party yet. Tonight we’re going hard like the world is ours, because we’re superstars.
We all dance senselessly into the morning. Your night has been unforgettable. You’ve been authentically and unapologetically you, and now Ke$ha wants to celebrate with you. She lends her playful talky vocals to fuel your uninhibited thrills. The night has ended on an anthem of confidence, empowerment and pleasure.
You already can’t wait for next weekend.
Shannon O’Hara writes the Thursday arts & entertainment column on growing up through entertainment. Contact her at [email protected].