How to not be basic on St. Paddy’s Day

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St. Patrick’s Day is upon us, and we Cloggers couldn’t be more excited. Our only concern is that, with all the green cardigans and Shamrock Shakes, how are we to stand out? We at the Clog have some ideas. If you don’t want to be a basic bitch on St. Patrick’s Day, stay tuned.

Don’t wear green

This one’s obvious. Only basic bitches wear green on St. Paddy’s day. You can wear white, black, red or literally anything that’s not green. Be prepared to get hella pinched.

Stay sober

Instead of engaging in the usual March 17 debauchery, stay sober! Let everyone else drown themselves in Guinness while you watch, judging their drunken behavior (and putting it on Snapchat). You definitely don’t need alcohol to have fun!

No Shamrock Shakes

We at the Clog agree that Shamrock Shakes are the shit. McDonald’s did the Irish well with that one. However, you can’t give into that mainstream stuff if you want to be a unique St. Patrick’s Day patron.

Don’t pinch people

The fact that some people actually do this is really concerning. Some of us like our personal space, not to mention being pinched can hurt like a bitch. Not pinching people is not only a way to avoid being basic, but is also a way of being a decent human.

Don’t make out with gingers

St. Patrick’s Day is one of the only days people are extremely tempted to make out with gingers. Since Ireland is home to most of the world’s gingers, many feel compelled to celebrate them on this glorious day. Don’t be that person.

Say no to literally anything potato

The amount of potatoes that will be consumed on March 17 is guaranteed to be insane. Why would you want to be just another one of the hoi polloi who consumes copious amounts of starch?

Don’t, under any circumstances, Irish Jig

We’ve never met anyone who could Irish Jig well while sober. Not only that, but if you want to stand out on St. Patty’s, you’ll have to come up with some more unique moves.

No parades

This has got to be the most basic move ever. St. Patrick’s Day parades are always a good time, but if you want to be too cool for school, stay away.

From sobriety to pinching to potatoes, we at the Clog hope you’ve all enjoyed our celebration of Ireland’s finest. After all, how can you not love a holiday that celebrates blatant drunkenness?

Contact Melany Dillon at [email protected].