What happens on Sproul Plaza when it’s empty

Karen Chow/File

Sproul Plaza. Historically a place of inspiring protests and social change. In our everyday lives, a place of aggressive fliering and slow walkers who think it’s genuinely okay to walk six people across. But what happens when there’s no one around on this seemingly ever-buzzing plaza? We at the Clog have developed a few likely hypotheses as to what goes down during Sproul Plaza’s witching hour.

For starters, when is it empty?

Unless it’s a random Tuesday in July, chances are, if you’re on Sproul Plaza during the daylight hours and there isn’t another soul in sight, a zombie apocalypse has struck UC Berkeley. If that’s the case, immediately close this browser and run for the hills.

More likely, it’s the dead of night and no students are around, but this doesn’t mean that other animals aren’t populating the premise.

Raccoon feeding grounds

A little trail mix here, a slice of pineapple there; with all the foot traffic, Sproul Plaza quickly becomes the perfect feeding ground for the ‘coons. Raccoons are notorious savages, and the coveted Sproul Plaza scraps bring out the worst in them. Do they hold fighting rings to win the most prized food scraps? We aren’t ruling out the possibility.

Sandwich-maker strategists

With the outrageously high prices they charge, there must be meetings held by Golden Bear Cafe strategists in the dead of night to devise the best way to trick students into paying $15+ dollars for a subpar lunch yet always come back for more. Forget about Econ professors, these are the true masters of supply and demand.

BearWalk — Mascot Style

There’s BearWalk, and then there’s bear walk. When the students have left and Sproul Plaza is truly spooky, who better than our creepy mascot to add to the atmosphere? Oski likely patrols the plaza in his usual slumped-over stance and “may or may not be an axe murderer coming for you” style. Feel safe?

Squirrel takeover

Our final and most likely hypothesis is that an empty Sproul Plaza is finally the time when the squirrels have free range of their territory — and prove who truly is the dominant species on this campus. This is the only logical explanation for their fearlessness that continues into the daylight hours as they harass students relentlessly.

These are just a few of the likely possibilities of what occurs in the thrill of night on Sproul Plaza. Whatever the case, one thing is for sure; if you come across an abandoned Sproul, proceed with caution.

Contact Maggie Bell at [email protected].