Going home for spring break is never fun. You should be out there, in Cabo, taking Jell-O shots off some exotic Brazilian man’s chest (the American Dream); but instead, you’re stuck at home feeding the cat and telling your brother not to touch your stuff. It’s hell on Earth, but here are some ways to avoid those subtle put-downs from those self-important high school piranhas who feed off your insecurities.
When they brag about how great their college’s meme page is:
You: “Oh, I saw you tried to join UC Berkeley Memes For Edgy Teens. … But like, you don’t go to Cal?”
They don’t need to know that the normies have invaded the page.
When they mockingly question why socks and sandals are cool at UC Berkeley:
You: “It’ll probably hit your college soon enough; we’re always a bit ahead of the trend.”
They don’t need to know that we are so stressed that we can’t put normal shoes on when it’s cold.
When they talk about the amazing Greek Life at their college:
You: “Oh yeah, I pulled loads of all-nighters this semester too.”
They won’t know you mean at the library.
When they talk about Chancellor Dirks’ alleged abuse of public funds:
You: “Oh yeah, I guess if you guys also went to such a politically active and progressive college, your chancellor would probably also build a tunnel out of his office to avoid protesters.”
They don’t need to know about the personal trainer-accompanied trip to India.
When they talk about President Trump’s tweets that threaten to cut federal funding:
You: “Yeah, it was cool to make the POTUS feel threatened by a bunch of socks- and sandals-wearing hippies. What’s your college done recently BTW?”
Flower power FTW; they don’t need to know about the Antifas.
When they ask why the fuck you’re home for spring break instead of in Cabo:
You: “UC Berkeley is where scholarship lives and breathes; it would be a betrayal to lose that mindset to alcohol, drugs and partying.”
They don’t need to know that the staggering Bay Area rent costs reamed your bank account of any prospect of holiday.
When your friend asks you how badly Berkeley Goggles have affected you:
You: “Well, which one of your friends will be running Google?”
They don’t need to know that grade deflation and the crushing workload have turned you and all your friends into shells of humans.
Happy spring break, Bears!
Contact India Clare at [email protected].