Spring break just wrapped up last week, and we all know what that means: It’s time to deal with our red-hot, seething sunburns. From the Cabo sunshine to the Miami heat to basically anywhere else besides the gray gloom that is Berkeley, chances are you’ve returned to school with a couple of irritating, peeling splotches of skin on your body. Trust us, we get it. How can you not “soak up the sun,” as our good friend Sheryl Crow suggests? Her song even starts with the lyrics, “my friend the communist” — a true sign that, even though many of us UC Berkeley students are creatures of the indoors (i.e. Moffitt Library), we were clearly meant to enjoy spring break by drinking up the sun’s glorious UV rays via our ever-so-sensitive skin.
So, in honor of all those sore heads, shoulders, knees and toes, we at the Clog are here to power rank the worst places on your body to have a sunburn, based on three criteria: embarrassment, ability to conceal (the lower the score, the easier it is to conceal the sunburn) and potential for irritation.
Embarrassment: 2/5. We all love our bro tanks, and thus, we’ve accepted that getting sunburned on our shoulders is simply a fact of life. So not to worry, this is a rather normal spot to get a little red and peely.
Ability to conceal: 1/5. We’re not the school dress code police by any means, but concealing your shoulders isn’t a difficult task. Throw on a sweater or sleeved shirt and suck it up.
Potential for irritation: 4/5. Wearing a backpack? We’d love to see you try. If you’re looking for an excuse to drop out of school, here it is.
Back of the knees
Embarrassment: 4/5. There are fewer things weirder than getting sunburned smack dab on the back of your knees, but it happens to the best of us. We know you love wearing your shorts and knee-high socks while lying on your stomach in the sun, but you might want to reconsider that fashion choice next time.
Ability to conceal: 2/5. Pants, pants, pants! Or, just pull your knee-high socks up a little higher.
Potential for irritation: 4/5. There’s nothing like going a solid week without bending your knees. Oh yeah, good luck sitting down too.
Top of the feet
Embarrassment: 4/5. It’s one thing to have a sock tan involving your feet being paler than your legs. It’s a completely different story when it’s the other way around.
Ability to conceal: 3/5. In theory, it should be pretty easy to conceal those puppies. That’s what shoes are for, after all. But you might want to consider the next category if you think you’ll really be able to put shoes on your feet. Because let’s be real, you won’t.
Potential for irritation: 5/5. Having to put your sunburned foot into a shoe simply is not feasible. The top of your foot is bound to rub against your shoe every second of the day. Not even your Birkenstocks can save you from the pain at this point.
Embarrassment: 5/5. Let’s face it. If you got sunburned on your butt, there’s going to be a lot of questions asked. Your fault for sharing.
Ability to conceal: 1/5. Unless you’re planning on walking around Sproul Plaza without pants on, concealing your cakes should be, well, a piece of cake.
Potential for irritation: 5/5. As humans of UC Berkeley, most of our days consist of sitting in uncomfortable chairs in lecture halls and classrooms. As humans in general, we (usually) have butts, and sitting is definitely going to be a nightmare with a sunburn on one of those.
Embarrassment: 3/5. Although ending up with a sunburn on your eyelids is extremely uncommon, being able to spot them from afar is probably even more unlikely.
Ability to conceal: 2/5. Applying eye shadow to your suffering lids probably won’t feel that pleasant, but at least now you’ll have an excuse to put those YouTube makeup tutorials to practice.
Potential for irritation: 5/5. You have two choices: (1) endure searing pain every other second as you perform the biologically necessary function of blinking your eyes or (2) keep your eyes shut.
Remember this, Bears: Cabo is all fun and dandy until you end up with a sunburned butt. We’re not trying to be your mom or anything, but apply sunscreen or suffer the consequences.
Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].