How to be a jerk at UC Berkeley

Isabella Schreiber/File

Why some people can’t be nice at UC Berkeley is still a mystery to us at the Clog. Does it physically hurt you to smile? If we hold the door open for you, is it really that hard to murmur a thank you? We don’t think it is, but apparently some people have trouble with these niceties.

So what’s the best way to deal with such nuisances? Give ‘em a taste of their own medicine. If someone isn’t nice because they just don’t feel like it, we at the Clog have a few ideas for you to seek revenge. Imitation truly is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

Elevator etiquette

If someone walks into an elevator with an arm full of stuff, a nice person like you would normally smile and ask what floor button they’d like you to press. But if said person is someone who has been unnecessarily rude to you in the past when you were in the Evans Hall elevator, for example, just look at their stuff and give them a pitiful smile. The excruciating balancing act of pressing a button, and then the wait for the elevator to get to their floor, will make them realize it’s not that hard to be a good samaritan.

A party troublemaker

You were having the time of your life at a frat party. Indeed, it’s quite the juggling act to manage the drink in your hand while you simultaneously dance the night away. But no matter how fuzzy someone’s state of mind is, they should be able to still apologize if they cause your own drink to spill on you and dampen your fun. If not, make sure to have a red drink in your hand the next time you see them, and make sure they’re wearing a white shirt. You don’t have to spill your entire drink on them – just a couple drops should be enough of a warning – unless they were majorly mean to you in the past. 

Conversation stopper

You know when you’re trying to make a polite conversation with someone just to be nice? Perhaps you recognize them from math discussion, or perhaps you have mutual friends. Regardless, if you give them a friendly “hi,” and for whatever reason they don’t return the favor, don’t burden yourself with trying to talk to them again and again. The next time you see them, don’t give them the honor of your acknowledgment, for surely there’ll be another person who will actually want to engage in a thoughtful conversation. That other friendly face will definitely turn out to be a true friend, unlike your former run-in.

The RSF nemesis

Remember when you really wanted to use the treadmill and there was only one available? You didn’t want to be passive aggressive so you didn’t run to grab it, but rather, you chose to walk over and gracefully claim it. Well that person who, despite seeing you make your way over there, sprinted to grab the last machine deserves payback. Next time you see them at the Recreational Sports Facility, sprint to the machine they’re about to use, and then take an especially long time to set up on the machine and use it. Remember not to wipe it clean after dripping sweat all over it!

These are just a few ways to return the favor to unfriendly Bears. Yet, because we like to look for the best in people, specifically our fellow Bears, we suggest you save these paybacks for dire situations only. To be honest, the best method of revenge is to take the high road and not steep down to their low level — but at least you have some revenge tactics up your sleeve and ready to use if their behavior gets out of hand.

Contact Avanti Mehrotra at [email protected].