Problems you can solve at UC Berkeley with Pepsi

Crystal Zhong/Staff

If you’ve been paying any attention to the news these past couple of weeks, then you know that Pepsi really messed up its now-pulled commercial depicting Kendall Jenner offering a can of Pepsi to a police officer, supposedly solving all of America’s problems.

So, if the famous Kardashian sister can bring world peace with a only can of soda, then we should be able to fix all of the little things that are wrong with UC Berkeley the same way, right? After all, every UC Berkeley vending machine carries only Pepsi drinks. Plus, who needs to shed the blood, sweat and tears when protesting for societal change when you have the power of a bubbly brown drink? No one, apparently, thanks to Kendall Jenner! And if you want to try it out yourself, here are some problems we at the Clog believe you can solve in the same way, right here on campus.

  1. Grade deflation. Hand a can of Pepsi to your professor right before you take your midterm and final and you’re good to go. Kendall Jenner promises.
  2. L&S advising. Can’t get an appointment with your L&S adviser (who supposedly actually does exist) before your Phase I? Never fear, Pepsi is here!
  3. Searching for housing next year. If you happen to still be deep in the apartment hunting process at the moment or are struggling to convince a landlord to lower rent, give ’em a Pepsi. All of your housing dreams will come true.
  4. Political divisions on campus. With controversial speakers stopping by every so often and what with the opposition to those controversial speakers, a Pepsi is sorely needed to heal the political divisions on our campus. Go ahead and stop on by the Berkeley College Republicans booth (don’t by shy) and offer the alpha male an ice-cold can of Pepsi. It’s time to dissolve those partisan lines!
  5. Obnoxious pre-Haas students. What’s more annoying than Haas majors? Honestly, pre-Haas “majors.” Although that’s not even a major, which is what makes them annoying in the first place, they won’t stop telling people that they will be the next great CEO (hopefully not for United Airlines, though!). Grant one of them a Pepsi and they’ll all finally shut up about how they still haven’t studied for that UGBA 10 test.
  6. Berkeley goggles. Sick of thinking every crush you’ve had is “totally the hottest person you’ve ever seen at UC Berkeley?” Us too. For this one, just pop open a can of Pepsi, gulp it down yourself and your Berkeley goggles are cured. Now, the student population looks way less attractive than it already is. But hey, at least you’re living in reality now, right? Just don’t look in the mirror afterwards.
  7. Getting a summer internship. Mail a Pepsi can to the company at which you’re applying along with your resume and cover letter. If you’re lucky enough to make it to the interview round, be sure to bring a Pepsi with you as well. For phone interviews, simply dip your cellular device in a cool glass of the soda. You can thank us later.
  8. Class enrollment. Securing all the classes you want is hard, so be sure to have a can of Pepsi on hand when your Phase I appointment rolls around. If you end up at the end of a waitlist for a course you really need, open up a Pepsi and violently pour it on your computer. Check your enrollment status again and voila, you now have a seat in the class.
  9. Chancellor Dirks’s unibrow. He may no longer be our chancellor, but we’re really going to miss that special unibrow of his. To alleviate your sorrows, head down to Dirks’s secret tunnels and offer him a Pepsi. His unibrow will immediately fly off and magically find its home above Carol Christ’s bare lip. The crown has been passed.
  10. Maneuvering through Sproul Plaza. Attempting to make it through Sproul without hearing, “Hey, do you have a sec for ______?” is nearly impossible, so the next time you’re approached by someone fliering or trying to inform you of their cause, throw a Pepsi in their face.

So thanks Pepsi, for teaching us that we don’t need hard work to create positive change in this world. All we need is an ice-cold can of Pepsi and a Kendall Jenner, apparently. Nice.

Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].