Ron Swanson’s opinions of Cal Day

Ethan Epstein/File

1. On Greek daygers:

“There will be alcohol there, so I will go as well.”

2. On telling high schoolers’ parents that UC Berkeley is a “welcoming” place:

“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

3. On high schoolers with way too much energy:

“Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.”

4. On being friendly to all the random people on campus:

“I hate the public. The public is stupid.”

5. On students having to give advice to every person they talk to:

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.”

6. On students wandering around drunk on campus:

“… regret nothing. The end.”

7. On high schoolers crying from the stress of their college decisions:

“Keep your tears in your eyes, where they belong.”

8. On students being forced to give tours:

“I have been forced to do many things I don’t enjoy like … speak to people.”

9. On UC Berkeley students’ general feeling of the day:

“I can’t go because I don’t want to.”

10. On handling the noise, the sheer amount of people and Oski popping out everywhere you least expect:

“I was born ready. I’m Ron f**king Swanson.”

Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].