daily californian logo


How to swerve someone’s kiss

article image



We're an independent student-run newspaper, and need your support to maintain our coverage.

JUNE 23, 2017

Kisses can be hot and heavy. They can also be horrifying. We at the Clog understand this reality and have crafted some nifty ways to swerve someone’s kiss.

Please reject kindly; you don’t want karma to come back and bite you. 😉

Put your fingers into their mouth and give them a dental exam

They will likely be confused and think they accidentally set up a dentist appointment instead of a date. Regardless, they will be appreciative of your commitment to dental hygiene.

Test your Kylie Lip Kit on them

With your partner’s lips out and puckered, a great opportunity to test out your Kylie Lip Kit has fallen into your lap. Test it out on them and see which colors bring out their glorious lips.

Pull out a Bible

Distract them by showing them your wholesomeness and that the behavior they are trying to engage in is immoral.

Put on an Elvis wig

Your partner will be confused as they will believe you have gone and Elvis Presley has arrived. Likely they will refrain from kissing you, as most people don’t want to kiss Elvis because he is dead. You can also sharply yell, “Elvis has left the building,” and sprint away.

Immediately begin eating a raw onion

Not only do raw onions cause bad breath, which is unpleasant for kissing, but generally, people who spontaneously eat raw onions in the middle of intimate moments are not seen as objects of desire worth smooching.

Projectile vomit directly into their mouth

This method isn’t completely foolproof, but often someone will not want to kiss you if you recently projectile vomited directly into their mouth.

But seriously, if you don’t want to kiss someone, you are by no means obligated to. You have the right to refuse someone’s kiss at any time. Consent is ongoing, revocable and voluntary, folks!

Contact Olivia Lipari at [email protected].

JUNE 22, 2017