It’s been six long, cold and dark seasons, and the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here. People have lived. People have died. People have died and come back, and we at the Clog know that “when you play the Game of Thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.”
Now that Chancellor Dirks has officially left us, we at the Clog are personally searching for meaning in the world once more. Without Nicholas’ meme-worthy escapades, what are we anarchists to do? The answer: aggressively prepare and chronicle “Game of Thrones.”
Westeros truly has mirrored the chaos of our own country these past few years, if you catch our drift. Whether you’re pulling for the return of the North, are a secret Cersei lover or think the dragons are George R. R. Martin’s brilliant symbol for global warming, we at the Clog admire and resonate with your passion.
With all of these possibilities, how’s one supposed to physically, spiritually and mentally prepare themselves for the season premiere this weekend? We have one answer:
read all the books.
Consult extensively with ravens (or crows)
Seeking out the spoilers? Look no further then the UC Berkeley crows. Yeah, it might be pretty hard to find a three-eyed raven soaring above Bancroft Avenue, but not to worry — the crows are always up and about and up to shenanigans. Approach these winged pals with some Golden Bear Cafe leftovers and charm them into giving you the season seven scoop. Sure they might violently assault you with their pointed beaks and leave you meal-less, but the chance for a slip-up on if Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth end up together is totally worth it.
Paint the Trees
Tree lover? So are we. Double your love for horticulture and Westeros by painting the beautiful trees of UC Berkeley to mirror the beautiful oaks of the North. Perhaps after you craft their saucy faces they’ll tell you who’ll snatch the Iron Throne, or even better, who braids Khaleesi’s hair.
Craft a dance routine to accompany the opening song
If you are anything like us Cloggers, the opening song of “Game of Thrones” is everything to you. It’s your ringtone. Your pre-midterm pump-up song. Your post-midterm-you-just-failed-and-need-Artichoke’s song. Such a multifaceted tune deserves nothing short of Beyonce-quality choreography. So wind up your dab, tune-up your dougie and prep your cat-daddy to drop it low to this utter banger. Pro tip: drinking like Tyrion can aid in the creative process.
Read the Clog’s “Game of Thrones” special issue
Why read thousands of pages, waste your precious data on googling GOT fake news or entertain your theories in solitude when the Clog is releasing a glorious “Game of Thrones” issue this Friday? No reason.
Peace, love, Clog, Valar Morghulis.
Winter is here.