How to intimidate others

Lauren Glasby/File
Lauren Glasby/Staff

Are you sick of people not taking you seriously? In this day and age of edgy memes and pranks for YouTube views, even the most serious of moments are used for the Internet lols (see also: Michael Jordan’s 2009 tearful Basketball Hall of Fame induction speech). People aren’t nearly as skittish as they used to be, and our street cred is suffering as a result. The power that we once commanded is dwindling as Tumblr continues to succeed at making a joke out of everything. It’s high time we go back to the good old days of genuine fear constantly lurking around the corner. Luckily, we at the Clog are here to help.

For starters, it’s crucial you become a public menace. Just run amok anytime you leave your house. Honk for no real reason while driving, cut old ladies in line at restaurants and double park your car in every lot possible. While this may just sound like general tips and tricks on how to be a real turd, we can assure you that people will eventually fear how unhinged you are. 

Another way to establish your dominance is to intimidate inanimate objects. The next time you stub your toe on a coffee table, make sure to punish the living room fixture appropriately. Even if no one else is around, you’ve got to show that IKEA product who’s boss. It’s crucial that you establish your dominance over everything and everyone at all times. Insult that coffee table’s integrity and values. If you’re really feeling it, you can add some remarks about its mother to the equation. But we suggest you tread lightly there. 

A third fool-proof way to get people to fear you is by ignoring warning labels. Blow dry your hair so close to the bathtub that even Thomas Edison would be nervous about electrocution. Give the car behind you a formidable love tap when reversing because you don’t care about objects in the mirror being closer than they appear. Don’t consult your physician prior to using exercise equipment, and boldly skip across surfaces that are slippery when wet. 

Don’t bless someone when they sneeze. That’ll prove just how heartless you are because only a heathen allows a sneeze to go unblessed. Never cry. Your tear ducts should be drier than the Sahara Desert. And last but most certainly not least, don’t eat fruits or vegetables. Low-fiber diets are absolutely terrifying. 

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].