Editor’s note: Calling all Bears

Welcome, freshmen. And transfers, too.

Welcome to hell, that is. This place is hard. No one denies that. It will be the source for some of your toughest moments and your biggest disappointments. Bikes will come painstakingly close to hitting you. You might need a handkerchief after some misguided soul protesting “free speech” spits on you.

You’ll go full nights without sleeping and learn the wonders of Red Bull discount deals at the local CVS. You’ll eventually move into an apartment where the couch just won’t fit through the damn door.

But that’s all fine. Because you’ll find a lot more here. If a bike hits you, the bicyclist might even have to pay your tuition! This is one of the most progressive schools in the nation — free speech be damned. You’ll stay up all night talking to some of the closest friends you’ll make. And you might even have a couch!

Contact Hooman Yazdanian at [email protected].