Valar morghulis, Golden (-handed) Bears!
Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD
On Sunday, “Game of Thrones” unveiled one of the gnarliest episodes in its history. This may have left everyone feeling a combination of satisfaction and terror (not to forget, hot and bothered). Whether Arya and Sansa Stark’s sister act made you nostalgic for Tia and Tamera Mowry, or Theon’s fighting match inspired you to go to Urban Kick everyday for the rest of your life, we at the Clog feel you.
But what’s next? Jon Snow hooked up with his aunt, the Night King rode the blue-eyed dragon, breaking down the wall, and Jamie Lannister finally grew a pair. It seems like a lot was resolved, but there’s still so much that needs to happen! So fellow Westerosi, what must happen on this final season of “Game of Thrones?!”
Jon and Dany must get married anyways
Morbid or alarmingly satisfying? We’re gonna go with the latter. Jon and Daenerys Targaryen are just too hot to not be together. It’s not fair. They’re also the two rightful heirs to the Iron Throne, so why don’t they just share the damn thing and make an obscenely attractive postcard while they’re at it? Incest, pish-posh. We like to think of it as a family affair.
Jaime and Tormund must dual for Brienne of Tarth
If this does not occur, we at the Clog don’t know what we shall do with our burning desire to stir the pot. With Dirks gone, drama is limited here at UC Berkeley. Plus, love triangles are a dime a dozen these days. Obama, Michelle and Joe — lost, but not forgotten. Trump, Spicy and the Mooch — gone too soon. Who else can ignite our hearts but the Harley Davidson-esque Tormund and the new and improved Jamie sword fighting for the baddest b*tch in all the Seven Kingdoms?
Point of clarification: Arya is the ultimate it-girl, but we at the Clog need to be a bit dramatic today as we cope with a Throne-less life for the next year or so. Forgive us.
Cersei Lannister gets left on read by everyone
As much as we at the Clog admire this woman’s utter savagery, enough is enough. We value honor here at the Clog, but we draw the line here. It’s time for this pixie-cut witch (No offense to pixie-cuts. We hate to admit it, but the women rocks the look.) to be left on read. Jamie dipped out, but what about her other minions? Yes we’re looking at you, @theIronBank, @theMountain and particularly @Qyburn. It’s time to leave the queen on read. Don’t be fooled, and don’t run to the Red Keep. When you hear the Kim Possible ringtone (because we know thats’s what you groovy folks have) and see the name “Satan” pop up on your digital raven, take a stand and leave her on read. Sure, the women might skin you alive, but principles matter, people!
Robert Reich rides a dragon and becomes Littlefinger’s replacement for the Stark gals
This is what we have been yearning for. Littlefinger was shown the metaphoric finger by the Stark pack Sunday, and we know what that means: time for a replacement. Who better to advise the Starks than the Lord of Wheeler Hall himself, Robert Reich. His silver hair is a sure sign of his connection to the Targaryen name. Plus, his hatred of power-hungry bastards really brings it home. Also, the nobility can always use a little reminder of wealth and poverty, are we right?!
Winter is here, and so is the Clog. Season 8 is coming. Let’s ride.
Contact Nichole Bloom at [email protected].