Falcon vs. Evans Hall: A mother’s revenge

Mary Malec /Courtesy

When a mother peregrine falcon decided to nest at the top of the Campanile, it became an undeniably badass feature of the campus. There was even a Facebook poll to decide their names, in which Fiat and Lux won in a landslide (though some still held out hope for Campy & Neely). However, most don’t know that the first runner-up in that poll was, all too ironically, Dwinelle & Evans. In a dramatic twist, Lux nearly bore the name of the building that would soon come to end her life. In a tragic flying accident, Lux became trapped in a 10th-floor balcony in Evans Hall and died. Now all that’s left is Fiat, whose name doesn’t make sense anymore, and the mother, who can exact revenge in any number of ways. We detail those possibilities here:

Not your average bird poop

How much damage can falcon poop do to a building? Bird poops reportedly reach speeds that can crack windshields. Given that peregrine falcons have the fastest flying speed of any bird in the world, if any bird can do it, it’s this angry mama.

Lots of average bird poops

If she wants to play the long game, mother falcon can simply take ordinary poops on Evans Hall over the course of several years. For Evans Hall, the silver lining to being a personal toilet is that it’s already considered the shittiest building on campus.

A psychological approach

In perhaps the most twisted revenge plot, the mother could move her nest onto the roof of Evans Hall. Once there, it’ll be impossible for Evans Hall to escape its guilt. Being confronted by demons of the past will certainly take its toll on the building, but how long can a mother stand to live on her child’s murderer?

Biding her time

There’s one thing that spells disaster for buildings but has virtually no effect on birds — earthquakes. And if this bird knows anything about seismology, she knows California is overdue for a large one. Coincidentally, Evans Hall was given a seismic score of “poor” by the SAFER Program. This plot is the riskiest, but flying safely in the sky while watching Evans Hall crumble sounds like the sweetest payoff.

A number of options present themselves to the mother falcon, but her most important task now is parenthood. Maybe next time she has children, we shouldn’t vote for names that depend on each other to make sense, just in case.

Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].