Celebrating self-improvement month (for dummies)

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September is self-improvement month. That means that we don’t have to wait until New Years to make and break resolutions we’ll likely never actually meet. We at the Clog have a few very serious and not at all absurd self-improvements to carry out until October 1st since there’s no reason to improve oneself beyond the designated month.

All of the self-improvement tips that are circulating around the internet these days list ‘eating better’ as one of the top methods to turn your life around. However, we have a strong sneaking suspicion that they meant to say ‘eating butter’. Surely it’s no coincidence that ‘butter’ and ‘better’ are just one vowel swap apart from being the same word. Lucky for us, it’ll be easy to check this off our list. We’ve been practicing eating butter since we started consuming solid foods at eight months old. We’re ready to load up on the saturated fats and do Paula Deen proud.

Another popular life hack tip that’s frequently shared is to work on communication. You’re probably pondering what to make of such a vague directive. Don’t worry, we at the Clog are one step ahead and can confirm that this self-improvement should be interpreted with the aim of communication diversification. Forget the dreary text messages and emails that you usually send to contact others. Use smoke signals to arrange meetings outside of office hours. Employ letters sent via carrier pigeon to ask your mom how to un-shrink those five shirts that got the best of you during laundry last week. While this alternative may be less efficient and more time-consuming, it’s sure to check off that self improvement box.

One of the most commonly mentioned, but undoubtedly overrated, points of self-improvement that’s publicized is to, “Be nice.” Well, just set that notion on fire and then chuck out the window. Be aggressive. Nobody has time for passive aggression. Slammed cabinets and curt conversation never got anybody anywhere. If you’re going to be a moody little baby about trivial matters such as your feelings, we recommend that you do so boldly. Swing first and never feel badly.

Rounding out the diatribe of incredibly vague self-improvement tips that is commonly advised is to set goals. What kind of goals, you ask? Well, we have no real clue. We suggest that your first goal be that you work on self-improvement. That way, by doing one, you’re also doing the other. Both the productivity and logic here is full proof.

Love yourself. This one should be easy. The new and improved versions of ourself are impossible not to love.

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].