Dear Try Hard,
We can’t help but notice how unwilling you are to collaborate with others in class. The way you physically grimace when people try to compare answers with you and your body’s tendency to tense up at the mention of curved grades are easy tells that you’re one of those. You know what we’re talking about. The kind of student who would rather gnaw off their own left foot than help a classmate.
It must be tough to live in constant fear that others’ success has anything to do with yours. The good news is that the classroom is not a zero-sum world. Someone else’s A doesn’t take away from yours in any way. That’s right, you heard us. One person doing well on a homework assignment doesn’t mean that you’ll be cursed with an F as a result, so you can just run down to Walgreens and get yourself a whole bottle of chill pills to ingest ASAP.
It’s possible that your inability to share the love is caused by the fact that your head is shoved so far up your own poop chute that you’re unable to see the light of day. Or maybe you’re just a walking, talking rectum yourself. Either way, we want you to know that the world is a much better place when you don’t fear everyone’s success. Didn’t you ever learn that team work makes the dream work?
The only real failing grade that you should be concerned about is the one you deserve for your attitude. We don’t know who peed in your cheerios this morning, but there’s no need to be such a grumpy butt. Your constant bitterness in discussion and weirdly competitive nature in lab can only be described as terribly off-putting. You’d think we’re asking you to donate one of your kidneys, the way you make a big fuss out of helping us with a practice exam.
The way those veins in your neck pop out as you aggressively remind us to not write the same answer as you for the 45th time this semester is truly alarming. Excuse us for asking you a question. Last we checked, it wasn’t illegal to inquire when the first midterm is. Sorry that our interest in furthering our education is such a burden to you.
Make sure you don’t say “bless you” to our classmate who sneezed just now. Wouldn’t want your humanity to show.