The official guide to being a basic bro in Berkeley

Emily Smith/File

It can be difficult being a basic bro around Berkeley. It’s not the most favorable role to play and it can often leave you feeling outcasted by your peers. So, if you decide to venture out to cultivate this position, here is the best guide out there guide to do so.

Interrupt lecture

It now costs $35,000 to be at UC Berkeley every semester (more if you’re an out-of-state student). That amounts to about $972.22 per lecture. Think about that. Think about the power in your hands to suck out all of the interest-fluxing money from the wallets and minds of the surrounding students during lecture. Go ahead and browse your laptop throughout the entire discussion while sipping on a mocha latte, waiting for the moment when the professor brings up a buzzword that you vaguely remember coming across a few weeks ago. Then, go ahead and ramble incoherently about how you can relate your thoughts comparatively with the individual before you who had spent a decade of research leading up to this moment.

If you can make it to five minutes, you would’ve made every student in that classroom waste $54 of their tuition listening to you talk about the history of quantum psychological nutrition in a postmodern economic climate (whatever that is). That could be a net-worth of more than $10,000 if you could find a way to do this in an auditorium. While this still isn’t enough to cover your own tuition, don’t let it stop you from feeling like a million bucks.  

Dress louder (just for the attention)

How much bro karma would you accrue at the next frat party if you came to the beer pong tournament in a Hawaiian shirt, snapback, pink shorts and Sperry’s? How much #respect would you get walking in the streets with your true-to-self bro tank? That’s for you to find out.

Appropriate parking spaces

It’s understandable. Your fam just bought you a really nice car as a gift to celebrate your *insert mediocre accomplishment here.* You’d hate to come back home with some dents on it and to find yourself in deep trouble. Because of this, you decide to park with three feet in between the cars parked in front and behind you. You’ve decided to sacrifice the cumulative space of an environmentally conscious Prius driver for your own comfort. You’ve given up prime real estate in a college town full of streets brimming with parking ordinances and rampant automobile vandalism to assure that the glistening surface area of your vehicle continues to glisten.

Hope this guide has helped you find your inner basic bro, man. Hang loose.

Contact Paul Martin at [email protected].