If Shrek were a student at UC Berkeley …

Isabelle Doerschlag/Staff

Have you ever wondered what Shrek’s life would be like if he went to UC Berkeley? He would fit right in, from his temper tantrums to his aloof tendencies. To resolve any thoughts or curiosities about what the great green ogre’s life would be like on campus, we at the Clog have devised a four-year plan for Shrek himself. 

Major: civil engineering

It’s clear that Shrek is an innovative guy. He assembled his own plumbing for crying out loud! Mr. S also used the laws of thermodynamics to save Donkey from Dragon. Most importantly, as many engineers may admit to continuously trying to win over their crush, Shrek charmed his way to Fiona’s heart with his undying sarcasm (of which none of us understood as children).

Extracurriculars: football, botany, crafts

Shrek is an honorary member of the Cal football team. His strength and energy allows him to play as a formidable defender. When he isn’t training, Shrek works part-time at the UC Berkeley Botanical Gardens. He is very passionate about the Californian native “blue flowers and red thorns” bush that’s known to be used by bears in the wild as a way to relax after a hard day’s work. Shrek also spends most of his weekends at the Berkeley Art Studio where he actively seeks out new artistic forms to balance out his pent up annoyance over Donkey’s incessant rambling. Funny enough, his favorite craft is animal balloon-making.

Housing: Dwinelle 155

Shrek prefers his swampy environment and so the closest accommodations he manages to seek out is Dwinelle 155. It’s especially cozy during midterm season, when the sweat of hundreds of restless students coats the walls. Yum. 

Dining: rats

You guessed it. Rats are a delicacy. So what better place to nosh at than the floors of Foothill? Away with Crossroads! Shrek has a finer palette of fattened rats that have been notorious for making an appearance in a student’s dorm every now and then. When it comes to nutrients for Shrek, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Midterms/test-taking: stick it to the end?

When Shrek takes an exam, he beings by attempting the first few questions, completing them with flying colors and finesse. As soon as he runs into that one problem at the end makes everyone question their existence though, he re-defines the expression, “rage quit.” I mean, we did see his little fight when when he was at Lord Farquaad’s kingdom. Just make sure to be out of the way when he grabs a chair. 

The truth is, there’s a bit of Shrek in all of us bears. What makes him so great is how relatable he and all of his struggles are (even to us as grown “adults”). Shrek has been there for us when no one else was.

Contact Malvika Singhal at [email protected].