What Not to Wear: Oski edition

Katherine Qiu/Staff

How did TLC get away with airing 10 seasons of “What Not to Wear” without featuring of our beloved Oski — possibly the creepiest and most spine-chilling freak of nature known on the planet? Okay, harsh, we know. Poor Oski — so innocent … so tender. He just can’t help the way he looks, but that won’t stop a shiver from being sent up your spine every time that white glove grazes your back on game day.

A typical episode of “What Not to Wear” goes as follows:

  1. The contestant’s wardrobe is thrown out entirely (but only after being brutally roasted) and is replaced with the help of fashion experts
  2. Stylists take control of matters at the end and physically modify as much of the victims as possible (e.g. haircuts, makeup, etc.)
  3. The result? The victim is miraculously transformed from into someone completely unrecognizable, with all their problems apparently solved by a new wardrobe. 

So naturally, we’ve got to start with what needs to go (sorry, Oski):

  • The cardigan
  • The white gloves (shudder)
  • The sneakers
  • The ill-fitting pants

And ta-da! Now we have a naked Oski. A blank canvas. Although UC Berkeley’s “naked guy” of the 90s was a hit, naked is not the quite look we’re going for. While there are so many respectable styles he could strut, it’s only fitting that Oski dresses to the standards of the typical 2017 UC Berkeley-goer.

Here’s what the fashion experts would pick out for Oski in a heartbeat:

  • A hella expensive windbreaker — yellow, of course.
  • A Fjallraven Kanken backpack (because the Swedish backpacks of 2017 are the Jansports of 2007).
  • Some Birkenstocks … duh.
  • Ripped jeans (expose those knees!).
  • Some yellow lens sunglasses … or some basic AF clout goggles.

And as for the physical makeover:

  • Get! That! Bear! Some! Eyebrows!
  • And a neck!
  • A little contour never killed anybody.
  • While his natural smile is just so … enthusiastic, he might be better off with a simple Kylie Jenner pout.
  • A little TLC and a hairbrush to the matted fur couldn’t hurt either.

Grab the tissues, because we’ve finally hit that point in the process where Oski looks at himself in the mirror for the first time in days, does a little bow (maybe even a little spin) and cries, “I’ve never felt more like myself in my entire life.” Sniffle. Glad we could do you one, Oski.

Contact Camryn Frederickson at [email protected].