For years, UC Berkeley students have believed that walking on the university seals around Memorial Glade spells disaster for their GPAs. Any onlooker can observe pedestrians abruptly altering their paths just to avoid the curse. Thanks to a recent confession from one of the seals, however, students no longer have to worry.
“It’s all a hoax, there’s no truth behind it,” admitted the seal closest to Moffitt. “We started this rumor years ago after we decided we’re all tired of being stepped on like we’re just another part of the sidewalk.”
Turns out, if you’re a seal and you don’t threaten people with curses, people will actually go out of their way to step on you. Therefore, the seals eventually found it necessary to devise a plan to get pedestrians to walk around. “We’ve considered many options,” explained the Moffitt seal. “At first we just wanted people to think we’re really slippery, but that wasn’t enough. The one by the East Asian Library wanted to convince people that the hex would cause you to slip into a coma, but we actually found that more students stepped on us once that story got out.”
Eventually, they decided on a GPA curse, which students undoubtedly responded to the most. As soon as word about the GPA hex circulated campus, the seals found themselves being trodden on only a handful of times a day. So why bring an end to a plan that has worked brilliantly for as long as we can remember?
“It’s gone too far,” admitted the seal. “The other day, a girl barely grazed me. She then proceeded to have a complete breakdown about her upcoming midterm. That’s not what we’re trying to accomplish — we just don’t want to get trampled all the time.”
By getting at Berkeley students’ worst fear, a poor GPA, the seals effectively avoided the bottoms of our feet. Guilt finally caught up to them, however, and the hoax has been officially dispelled. Students can once again walk to class without worry, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still look out for our university insignia.
“We’re still here, and we still don’t like getting stepped on,” the seal stressed. With the debunking of this rumor, all seals expressed a desire to begin a new age of seal-student harmony.
Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].