Things you didn’t know about Evans Hall

Michaela Swensen/File
Michaela Swensen/File

There’s nothing that makes us want to drop out of school and spend the rest of our lives working at a gas station more than the sight of Evans Hall. While Evans is home to statistics, mathematics and economics majors, perhaps the poor old building should’ve never been constructed in the first place. It looks like the color of stale barf and smells like it too, and we can’t help but wonder how it got this way and what other secrets it may hold. We at the Clog slapped on our investigative gear and discovered these little-known facts that you probably didn’t know about Evans Hall. While this may or may not be #fakenews, all the theories are nonetheless interesting.

It’s the sole reason we weren’t the No. 1 public university in the world

Evans is so blatantly putrid that when the New York Times university reviewers caught a mere glance of the building, they probably screamed “Yowza!” and ran to the nearest trash can to immediately regurgitate their sad and sorry GBC lunches. We owe them our sincerest apologies on behalf of the runt of the buildings of UC Berkeley. Happy now, UCLA?

It was used as a model while designing the architecture of Azkaban from the Harry Potter movies

Have you ever noticed that Evans Hall both looks like and feels like a prison? Well, so did J.K. Rowling! Rowling spilled some of the exclusive details herself, explaining that Evans Hall was almost so perfect for the design of Azbakan that the director nearly considered shooting the entirety of all the prison scenes at UC Berkeley. The students looked so dead inside that they would have played the perfect prisoners, while the GSIs were said to possess a striking resemblance to the Dementors. The team bailed on this idea once they realized that the building was actually too ugly to be in a movie.

It’s a real prison

Speaking of prisons, Evans Hall is actually a fully functioning prison that operates daily during school hours. While we’re not allowed to disclose the precise location of the prison cells, here’s a little hint: If your discussion section happens to be in a windowless room and your GSI is daunting, be sure to check whether or not your wrists have already been handcuffed to one of those annoying swivel chairs.

It leads to the Upside Down

“Stranger Things” is coming back. Or maybe it’s always been alive and well within the walls of Evans Hall. Evans is creepy, but that’s a given. Little did you know, however, that it’s terrifying enough to hold a hidden path to the Upside Down, the very same parallel dimension you’ve seen on your computer screens while binge-watching everyone’s new favorite show last fall. Watch out, though. You don’t want to become the next Barb. If you’ve ever heard the nonfunctioning elevators blasting a noise similar to a siren, it’s Barb calling. #JusticeForBarb

It’s constructed out of ancient bones from deep within the Campanile that have been fused together

According to our highly reliable sources, Evans Hall gets that disgusting interior and exterior barf color from the ancient bones stored inside the bottom of the Campanile. Once more and more bones were discovered and needed their storage, the oldest ones on the bottom were removed, and now we have big ol’ ugly Evans. Shoutout to all those skeletons out there.

It’s Oski’s home

We’re surprised that we’re the first to connect the dots on this new and intriguing fact, but it makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. Where else would the creepiest bear in town crash for the night? It only makes sense that a fella as chilling and hair-raising as Oski calls the ever-so-sinister and spine-tingling Evans Hall his home. Be warned, young ones. Be sure to not explore the building too deeply, or you might come across some of Oski’s deepest, darkest secrets, whatever those may be.

Evans may be nasty and surely haunted, but don’t forget to give it a little love every once in a while. It may not be very aesthetically pleasing, but it has a lot of history (which may or may not be totally factual) that’s definitely deserving of at least a wee ounce of your admiration.

Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].