A power ranking of Thanksgiving dishes

Some foods are just better than others, and we can’t go around much longer pretending that it’s not a thing. You can agree to disagree, but we the Clog are here to share our personal (and totally unnecessary) ranking of Thanksgiving foods.

No. 8 Cranberry sauce

We can’t say cranberry sauce sucks because, because let’s be real, no Thanksgiving food actually sucks. But if we had to name one food that wasn’t the best, cranberry sauce regrettably takes the L. Maybe it’s because it’s a dessert trying to be a dinner food? We’ve got no evidence, but no one likes a wannabe.

No.7 Sweet potatoes

Speaking of, in the social hierarchy of the culinary wannabes, sweet potatoes are the try-hards. Regular old potatoes can do it all, so sweet potatoes are really just trying to top what just can’t be outdone. It’s as simple as that.

No.6 Turkey

Turkey is simply the Kim Kardashian of the dinner table: famous, but for what?

No.5 Pumpkin pie

The actual human inventor of pumpkin pie sadly remains unknown, but we at the Clog reverence this nameless human with the saints. Mother Teresa, is that you? Whatever human out there was responsible for putting pumpkin into a pie has got to be capable of world peace too. Mad respect.

No.4 Rolls

Incredible news: groundbreaking research within UC Berkeley’s very own Department of Nutritional Science and Toxicology claims that “gluten intolerance” is a social construct and is not in fact biologically real. What a time to be alive. Also, we’re joking (once again, JUST KIDDING) and if you really can’t eat Thanksgiving dinner rolls, we feel so sorry for you.

No.3 Gravy

“She’s beauty and she’s … gravy?” Close enough. Literal liquid gold. Is it acceptable to drink it like soup? Asking for a friend.

No.2 Stuffing

In the culinary dating pool, stuffing is bread’s more interesting sibling. Bread is alright, but when stuffing comes to the table, it’s a game changer. 

No.1 Mashed potatoes

Mashed potatoes are kind of the closest things to eating actual clouds, so what more could you ask for? And if you’re not into the cloud thing, potatoes are very versatile. Have ‘em roasted, baked, fried, chopped, whole — you get the point. There are simply no limits to what potatoes you can make.

Regardless of what’s in front of you, sit down, eat up and be thankful for the food on the table. Happy Turkey Day!

Contact Camryn Frederickson at [email protected].