Clog report: How the bear stole Christmas 2017

Ethan Epstein/File

The morning of Dec. 1 was a dismal one indeed. Broken string lights lay strewn around Telegraph, while store windows had been smashed for miles. According to Clog investigators, it seemed as though someone had single-handedly tried to eradicate the city’s proud holiday spirit. As the population of Berkeley mourns, one fellow saunters carelessly — the culprit himself: Oski the Bear.

Many complained of break-ins throughout the entire night. “I woke up suddenly to a movement across the room,” explained one student. “I knew who it was when I spotted the hunchback and noticed tufts of brown fur hovering around my bed.”

That same student detailed the hazy shadow of a Santa hat, which he presumes the perpetrator used as a disguise. The accessory proved much too small for the golden bear’s sheer size, however, and failed to cover any more than his left ear.

The first reported incident occurred at approximately 12:04 a.m., just minutes after the arrival of the new month. When asked why he had chosen this night, Oski responded initially with a blank stare. “It’s December. What do you expect?” he then exclaimed in frustration. “The decorations went up the moment Halloween had ended, and all the Snapchat filters have already been changed. It might as well be Christmas right now.”

According to one source, the entire festivity section at Daiso’s was ransacked. Only the blue and white items were left behind.

One student was in tears. “Christmas is the one thing that eases the tension this time of the year as we approach dead week and finals,” he sobbed. “Everybody here shares a love for the holidays, and Oski took that away from us. I’d have rather gotten a late registration time than be betrayed this way.”

Another claimed to have been robbed of the Victorian novels his aunt had sent as an early Christmas present. “To be honest, I’m an applied math major, so I didn’t really mind.” he remarked. “I’m just a little spooked by the way the guy just wandered around my apartment in that same creepy way he does everything. I would’ve just given it to him if he had asked.”

Apparently Oski had swung through one of the roof tiles and into the wall, leaving shreds of plaster and debris all over the floor. When asked why, he reasoned it was the closest thing to a chimney.

One enraged student further reported missing the Christmas tree she had ordered from Amazon.

Oski shrugged. “Reminded me of Stanfurd.”

As it turns out, the age-old rivalry is in fact the root cause of our mascot’s deplorable actions.

“You could say I’ve lost my sympathy,” Oski admitted. “But we’ve forfeited just one too many friggin Stanford games. I can’t stand the idea of everyone giving when those dreadful Cardinals have only been taking these past eight years.”

The punishment for these reported crimes is still being debated. While some advocated a lifelong prison sentence, many defended Oski, contesting that while we may not agree on all fronts, Oski only acted the way he did because he shares the same love — or rather, hate — that we all do.

“It was well-intentioned,” argued one GSI. “I can’t say I fully approve of his behavior, but it was an honorable cause, and that’s gotta count for something.”

Contact Shaked Salem at [email protected].